Reoccuring Migraines

Apple Tom

2011-09-18T16:33:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here with my new dear roommate at (i sadly admit it) Starbucks. We tried to go to Berkli Cafe, the best in our radius, but hence, it was closed. Startbucks are different on the East Coast. I still don't like them, but they are not so negative, and more people who I'd like to know hang out at them then on the West Coast. Her and I are both using Macs facing the moving street. Current meets past, Apple meets Tom.

If anyone reading this knows my uncles then you will know that these things ring true. This was a list I comprised while living at their house from May to August this year. We wrapped it up with a memorable dinner full of laughs, OnStar, and "3 unruly girls in my backseat." Here's the list... And it was easy to make.

I love how you are both so firmly polite with a gentle gleam in your eye.

I have appreciated even the more "dull" aspects of your lives and seeing how you both do the things you like to do together. Even just as you two watch TV, its good for me to see such a healthy relationship in its relaxing moments too. You have both impressed upon me that it is so vital to have common interests and hobbies together as a couple.

I like that I have an even stronger attachment to this San Francisco house as I did to your others, and it will always hold such precious memories to me, as I have started to learn the nooks and crannies of your abode.

I love learning your tricks, whether that is how you make your salad dressings, your cheese palettes, real estate tricks, or your strategy of opening wine bottles that guests bring. It helps make the world less intimidating to me as well as a lifestyle and love like yours more reachable.

I love and strive for that constant tension which is positively challenging and active in your presence and household. Its comfortable but never easily obtained. You are both strivers, and won't stand for any slack.

I love watching your confidence and how that emerges- whether it is the way you filter your time or knowing what you deserve in a relationship, tenant, or job.

I love watching (and being showered by) your love. You both show such quintessential love for the other- in which your personalities are not lost, but enhanced by each other and the way you show you love. And that love is deeper than the tip of the ice burg I have been blessed to witness.

I love watching your hospitality to such a variety of people.

I love knowing that I made the cut to live with you two. That is a high honor.

I love how you always make guests sit at the table/couches that face towards the window- so they can always enjoy the view.

I have learned that Jack is much more business intense in the a.m.

I love that Jack still refuses to be my underwear model.

I love how Tom talks about the philosophy from Pixar about being free to fail. Understanding that in creativity is essential.

I love that Jack and I share snoring. And Tom probably talks about Jack and I snoring in his sleep.

I love how Tom's blue eyes go so well with his compassion.

I envy and adore Jack’s relentless good-humored comebacks, always with ease.

I love how Tom let’s me in on his process of obtaining a dream job; his emails, his thoughts, and how comforting that is to see someone so established and successful struggle with the same similar choices and approaches that I do at a younger age.

I love that I never had a piece of fish that was overcooked for dinner with you two. Masterful!

I love how Jack's confidence is earned and maintained by the things he controls, and strengthened those that he can't.

I love Tom’s freeing statement about people will always make suggestions but they are just that and it is important to listen to a choice team of advisors in your life.

I love that even when I'm home alone I have about 20 little and big Thai and Chinese Buddha heads to visit with.

I love Jack’s commentary on True Blood… still waiting on the trolls to show up!

I love that you both get so much pleasure when I am enjoying life and the things that you've shared with me- such as your fireplace, your wine, and your music.

I love that I was an addition to your dinner parties as I met truly amazing people. Some of those who keep iPhones in a sock.

I love that you never for a second felt like "my parents" while I lived with you, your place was defined by your own selves and lived as the dearest of friends and family.

I love watching you embrace styles and choices that were adventurous- whether that was people like Janie or my hair choices and lipstick colors. I love watching you interact with various people. You always find the beautiful things to nurture as if each person was a plant in your garden.

I love that you re-did my bedroom after I “went to college” and came back. My view in bed was spectacular as I looked at the “devil’s jewelry box.”

I love that you brought to light things that I do naturally such as my diversity of friends, love for the city (or other great cities), and my own personal goals.

Thank you for believing in me not just with kind eyes or sweet words but also in deeds and actions.

Thank you for all the friends you've introduced me to, over the years, always trying to include me in all of your wonderful fruit, and enabling me to grow and experience to the extent that I can.

Thank you for sharing your life lessons with me so that I don't feel so crazy.

Thank you for being okay with bumps and failures. I appreciate you being open enough were I can hear about your bumps and how you have gained from them.

I hope to be like you in love, joy, taste, quality, generosity, and youthfully matured spirit.

Time Consuming

2011-09-18T16:14:00.000-07:00

Nearing the vision of home. I will add prettier photos as Adriana and I make our lovely abode, but the day we moved in I snapped this shot of the kitchen... then later took a thrilling tour of our roof. One of my favorite things- and it helps the bad news seem careless. Though I am alone with a deflating air mattress, I have flowers to sing me lullabies. hmmm....... Always in tune.

John W. Holt- what do you say? Ed?

2011-06-20T12:28:00.000-07:00

“The true test of character is not how much we know how to do, but how we behave when we don't know what to do.”

“If you're not making mistakes, you're not taking risks, and that means you're not going anywhere. The key is to make mistakes faster than the competition, so you have more changes to learn and win.”

The true test of caliber is not what one does with success, but rather with failure.

Ed Catmull, the president of Pixar says that failure is necessary in an interview with the Chronicle

"But visible problems are a good sign in Catmull's world, where failure is a necessary option. That may be the most important Ed-ism of all. It's better to fix errors than prevent them. A larger staff won't change that philosophy. A new owner won't change it. And success certainly won't change it.

"It's so easy to go to a conservative place. You know something that works, and you don't want to change," Catmull says. "We're always going to have something that is a little chaotic and messy. ... As a company we're just trying to allow unpredictable things to happen.""

Should of Donated to my Children of Dreams

2011-01-30T02:15:00.001-08:00

"Menial Treasures (Don't Think Twice)"

I heard a noise today.
Sharp and crisp
Yet distant and mysterious.
It told me things.
Whispered and roared.
From time that felt like an instant,
Had gone by in a decade.
What worthy of you did it tell me?
Or show me?
Or change me.

It shared with me, as a new noise approached.
From the distance.
As a tornado.
Looking soft in the sky,
As clouds cuddled in fuzzy fog
and swirly darkness.
Created sub-level commotion it did,
but to my gratitude
it changed me.

And hence is what I discovered.
A journey that enraptured and enveloped.
I was a wrapped letter,
and this noise made origami
with my parts of paper.
changing me.
and telling me.

Some words can't be written.
Not for fear's sake,
but sense's dear sake.
For can you grasp a gasp
if you whisk away the air?

No. Air moves on paper,
but once when transcribed.
With no initial motion
to propel it into action.
But move it does,
from shapes on pages
to motions in flame.
Inside your body,
your heart,
and mostly your mind.
Oh, so pages do have minds.
Ok, nevermind.
Let them run (rampid!).

I saw your statement.
Quite a testament.
It got up and walked.
Where the legs came from, I know not.
But came they did.
It wanted to sprint. I could tell (so strongly)
But it soothed itself into a song.
Such a sweet sweet song.
No words.
For words are too moxie to describe
these elements
that prescribe
you.

Oh that song.
Glory in sound.
None had ever met my ears before,
(None in this greeting.)
It asked for my hand at one point.
Partitioning to surround my senses.
But a brief
capturing
moment.

The sounds I heard were
grand and ungraspable.
Yet grasp at me they did.
Tightly.
Yet gently.
Carefully constricting my organs.
As if constricting was the opposite.
More so the opening of the lungs.
The mental lungs.
The heart, if it were a lung.
Then the sound, this sweet song.
It fell on my ears,
Like a soft feather returns to a
recently
lifted
pillow.

Time was of no challenge to it.
Oh, no, are you kidding?!
The cosmos were trivial to this noise.
"Noise" being too harsh of a word
to even be associated
with this
original
wonder.

And that was you.

You and your noise.
You and your sound.
You and your song.
You and your heart.
For your heart is of gold.
And solid it is.

Wash over me once more,
or more than more,
or douse me in your memories,
your precious statements and your genuine constellations.
(for you are a bright star)
So lovely. So tingly. So many depths.
My answer is that and this
for this is who you are
and who you are
is dear.

Fluming Fail

2011-01-30T01:26:00.000-08:00

Sing me a sonnet of my bloom
Of the noble quest into a pestilence
Set me off into a room of silence
One naively built of whom
Carefully calculated quickly to doom
Desiring a mode of passion, even violence
Only in my mind, and on for my patience
Carry me away from this looming flume

Quickly it found wings to soar
Dared to take my every inhale
Great eyes in me they did roar
Taking with each magical
Glance and gasp, proving more
My bloom is yet to fail

(a Sonnet written in the traditional Petrarchan style of 14 lines with line 8/9 a turn around or volta appearing. The rhyming scheme of each line is a, b, b, a, a, b, b, a, c, d, c, d, c, d)

The Harshest of Peace

2011-01-21T10:38:00.001-08:00

I am the dead silence.
Screaming at the top of my lungs.

I am the dead silence.
Parading loudly with each every step.

I am the dead silence.
Heavy as an anchor in a roaring sea.
Proudly sitting atop the ocean's floor.
Making deafening noises. Of silence.

I am the dead silence.
So loudly silent I ache the water. The air.
Screeching at a halt, invisibly present.
Enveloped by stillness. Of silence.

I am the dead silence.
And I weigh more than all of mankind.
More than all oceans and more than all sand.
Gravity muted by sounds. Of silence.

I am the dead silence.
A friend to the do-nothings and the say-nots.
Stagnation breathes of my breath.
Paralyzing the bones. Your bones. Of silence.

I am the dead silence.
Appearing at death, with a loud proclamation.
I bark, I bait, I taunt, and wait.
Mostly. For death.
Of silence.

I am the dead silence.
And I eat of your flesh.
While living, while thinking, while speaking.
I tear and break. Hearts and patience.
Muting your ears and making you hear.
That in your head.
In your heart, in your soul.
That you don't like.
That you don't know.
That. Of silence.

I am the dead silence.
and I am very alive.

Ages Ate the Pages

2010-12-30T02:47:00.000-08:00

Practicality called my name.
Scream at me it pretty much did as I batted my eyelashes.
Aha! Nope.
I swung around, twirling in the living room. Ruffles flew by- black cascading the floor as it mopped up damaged sores.
Swooshed or mopped. Cleaned or harnessed.
"What shall I do?" asked the little witch.
She asked them all. short and tall and round and rotund. Slim and trim alike.
Feed yourself. Feed the wall. The dead and stiff wall.
Feed the god- (as if he needs it- wants though- and who exactly is that god to you anyways?)
"Shall I treat it like cereal?"- the wicked maid inquired.
So curious that one!
What's in cereal that makes you want it? Its cereal. Have delight instead. For the milk is not so cold on your rotten teeth. (rotten or just dying? question after question).
Don't interrupt me- I'm in silence of thought.
pounding motions and airless twists.
Lets spell this right. For right is right in the language you speak- but which language do you want to speak? Do we get to choose?
Ah, no one told me, or they told me but they didn't tell me.
What if the language doesn't fit? What if it tastes so sour in your tongue. So so sour? So sour it repulses? Shall you still eat it, speak it, love it?
What's the point of eating sweets if they are not sweet?
What's the point of delight if it brings you none?
Cut it off like a stone?
How long do you saver?
Give me more electronics!
I am a tyrant when my words run loose.
Oh, Jiggle my soul you pop star. Where is the continuity?
Words! Words! Words!
Stop talking and lets move.
Pick up one foot, make a plan from a to b.
Fuck, make a plan to a to y. Hit them all in between and jump with or without a cord! For jumping either way is better than never jumping.

I live, I die, I ache, I scream!
Ah, silence is a criminal in this house.
Achy silence. While Chinese is yelled next door.
And groans echo in the hall.
Keep me lapping- that's what we want. Consumers we've become, eaters we always were.
I climbed that hill, as my eyelids turned white. Climbed and journeyed over.
Not even to be on the other side, just to see the view. Feel the peak.
Why, thank you!

I don't know the answers- but I think there are answers.
Logic fails and my mind crumbles. Clarity in disguise and calamity in a rabbits garb.
I walk with such a gait sometimes. Day after day it changes, but those feet stay the same. For good or bad.
For me or you.
Who do I walk for? That is what I need to know.
Can I walk for two? If I walk for another, who walks for me?
If I lift to be carried, who do I trust?
There is one man. Always.

More Visions for Eyes

2010-12-08T10:52:00.000-08:00

Song of the day (not winning the video award please note). "The Rifle" by Alela Diane.

Vision of the day (beautiful colors and choreography- despite the slightly nerving fact that she's 9...) by Willow Smith (Will Smith's daughter... that I didn't even know they had- oh no! I'm falling behind on my useless pop trivia)

Video of the day (takes the pie) a version of the same Willow Smith song but reedited and to the song Bleed by Meshuggah

I guess little girls are my new infatuation, in the purest of senses. Tavi, Willow? Want to have tea?

Wax and Wire and Words

2010-11-28T22:49:00.000-08:00

The inspiring video of the week.
Don't sit still. Never. Please.

Other song of the week. Fits right in like if a square peg was meant to fit in a circle. Doesn't work, but it does. Ever so effortlessly. Dedicated to my volcano.

Song Split (just add some chocolate fudge!)

2010-11-16T10:32:00.000-08:00

Dichotomy of songs:

Melody Gardot's Quite Fire

Warpaint's Billie Holiday

I want to be a woman of my word, but its hard when my heart hurts.

Planet, lost.

2010-11-04T02:57:00.001-07:00

I walked on a planet today.
A foreign one.
A beautiful one, more so than I knew (though I am still inspecting, about to go under the surface)
I didn't know that a planet like this existed.
I had heard of one, I had heard of many.
But its one of those visits you just don't fully get til you arrive.
I fought with anti-gravity, for its the only thing that exists on this planet.
It made me feel extravagant, like I was the most delectable creation that ever walked, or even touched the world.
With that, it was the most delicious planet I had ever felt (I had wanted to say that and mean that)
The surface must of been a cloud of dust because I sink into it every time I visit.
It engulfs me and catches me, ever so gracefully- despite mine.
I'm not a dust person, but perhaps I am.
So soft, so light.
The other thing about this sphere, is there is a time warp that happens.
It stands still, or rotates slower around the sun.
I keep expecting it to collapse, or fall away from under my feet.
Either while I'm there, or when I leave.
Never to exist again.
I keep thinking I won't return.
Its scary right before I enter.
Once I see it though, once its in sight. All those rational fears go away (for it is looming)
Jump I may, jump I might.
But in the process I am getting quite good at eating.
For the food on this planet is enticing.
Overall- the world might be my own silent cage.
Boxing myself in, in a world with no ozone layer (no roof either)
I am captivated.
Thoroughly, completely.
Where do I go?
How do I say thanks?
What do I expect?
My steps have been guarded in the most precious of ways.
Intentional, with speeds of great and depths of smooth precision.
If I fall, if the next step on this globe turns out to be vacant- I will fall into abyss smiling.
Take it for what it is, I'm blessed.
And apparently this timeless, responsibleless, and delicious planet likes the alien visitor.
Come again.

Volcano Pit (you swallowed me!)

2010-11-03T16:31:00.000-07:00

I went to a Sufjan Stevens concert the other night at the Paramont in Oakland (mainly featuring the album Age of Adz, partly with his EP of All Delighted People). My Oakland experiences have varied lately. Lots of Lake Meritt... not to bore you...

The concert held great expectations of mine- not only was it long sought after, the music was like a pool of worship in my soul. I needed that. Instead I felt that it was an unabashed celebration of Sufjan's poor decisions and self indulgence. Though I did not like the American Apparel media video in the background, nor the back up dancers with their silver breasts, and the vo-co topped it, I did admire other aspects (which feelings slightly abused).

I admired the honestly of creation- that what he needed was to get these things off his chest (at who's expense?) and to experiment with different forms of music (not why I liked him though in the first place) and the need to move and dance. Those, I respect.

He said a few things that hit home. Mainly that he was considering the prospects of jumping into the mouth of a volcano (we are still breathing).

Then he spoke and explained the artist Royal Robinson who was an Outsider artist from Louisiana whom much of the album art came from. Though I didn't learn about him in my Outsider art class, its funny how things coincide at the same time... Today I was in that class and there was another good quote from a film about Henry Darger. "Just because there are questions doesn't mean there are answers."

Thank you Ryan for talking to me. My problems are lots of little ones.
I can't pull this off as easy as a sock.
But maybe one sock at a time.

Dive

2010-10-27T09:39:00.000-07:00

These two videos are good visual examples of what I've been covering in my mind. Sad, but true. Hmmm....

One about Neo-Liberalism

Neoliberalism As Water Balloon from Tim McCaskell on Vimeo.

One about the Project for the New American Century

Sassy Sundays

2010-10-25T17:29:00.002-07:00

Today was full of funnies by GWP, my beloved coworker. The first of the sayings below was in reference to his girlfriend's (Janet) neighbor's appartment that burned down and the anti-fire staff had to put out the flames standing in Janet's bedroom. So, some of her goods got smushed, burned, and smokey. George's scarf was at her house, which he wore yesterday- what an intense smell.

The second posting below was his response to what we should write on our blackboard sign at Nomads. It was a beautifully rainy day! I puddle hopped on my way to lunch. So there are by the boy who gives thumbs down to people who pull lame U-turns in the middle of the street.

I can smell it under my nose.
Smells like lost dreams (did you see my eyes shake?).
A lot of prized possessions were lost, and a cat.
I bet there was alot of bad art too.

Rain rain go away, come again another day.
On second thought, maybe not
for you kinda keep the gays away.

Who's The Lion?

2010-10-25T17:29:00.001-07:00

I opened up my cabinet today and there was a picture of a lion.
The lions paws moved slowly off the page, so gracefully and terribly.
Like wind, it was slightly invisible, and incredibly powerful.
It roared. (roar!)
It was so quiet the whole time, except when the panes shook in their skirts.
I wanted it all to rain and come crashing in- however, isn't that scary?
I wouldn't know. I want to know?
I know pieces would fall where I wish they wouldn't, and I would have a few scars.
But that lion... He ate me. Or I ate him. He was on the butter dish.
I pet his main, oh his main.
I wanted to dance with him, someone told me "Don't!" because his claws are sharp.
But maybe I just wanted to feel something. Some vein of passion.
I think I pushed that lion, I pushed him in that spot of his bone where he didn't want it.
But he didn't pounce- he didn't scream or yell or bite. Instead he went inside himself where I can't hear him think.
Though I can hear his thoughts through that look in his eyes. As they dart back and forth. To and fro.
I guess there is still time for him to pounce, not in a playful way but in a way that once he leaves that butter dish, he won't go back.
I did that! I made him leave. I made him jump.
I can't put it past him however- we entered that cabinet together.
So young!
But I will never really be old, and I will never really be tame.
My main is wild and my heart is rampant, or rancid.

From Within the Box

2010-10-15T23:43:00.000-07:00

What I find so fascinating are these ideas that my school, no let me rephrase that, my teachers at my school, present which are rather socialist minded in hunger of the most purest display of democracy. In my world conflict class, my government and politics class, my sociology study of documentaries class, and other liberal arts classes this has been the case... however it is so boldly ironic that they are teaching these things about neo- liberalism and monopolizing corporations when we are squarly in the midst of one (being AI). And not only that, we are learning trades that are all almost at the greatness of their goals are capitalist based- relying on those who desire luxury who will pay privately (being wealthy) or corporately. What do we do!

Don't say no to Panda

2010-10-12T12:32:00.000-07:00

Moat of Yellow Fetted Dust (just for today)

2010-10-11T16:02:00.000-07:00

Yesterday's lyric: "Your million sweetnesses are sometimes not enough to keep me lapping at the flood tides of desire" by Diane Cluck

Today's quote: "Shock us out of our visual habits" (p. 18 in Aufderheide's "Documentary Film- a very short introduction")

Paragraph of the day:
"Our problem is how to live with our machines. Nanook [Nanook of the North/1922] found the solution of the problem in his own spirit, as did the Polynesians did in theirs. But we have made for ourselves an environment that is difficult for the spirit to come to terms with." (p. 29 in Aufderheide's as well- Flaherty's widow recalling his words)

Teenage Forward

2010-10-11T15:52:00.000-07:00

This song reminds me of a mass email forward with colorful fonts that I would of received in my Hotmail inbox years ago. But part of me feel like.... hmmm... ok, why not? I can't think of a good enough reason to not follow his advise.

Wild Ride

2010-10-10T19:16:00.001-07:00

One thing I realized about myself: my fear. I fear missing out.
And now for a good quote to wrap our program about fear up:
"What a silly world, to be so miserable over something this insane.
Molehills to mountains and back to sand again.
But life is a boat and you must row.
Tomorrow isn't there until you are, you know.
And so, a silly world it is.
But still, every day you should know you aren't board of it."

Read Me Like A Novel

2010-10-05T21:04:00.000-07:00

So here is the song video that I watched in Japan town the other night while others were working or sleeping. I'm not sure if I told you about it or not.... but it spoke deep little lost soul. It just was so relevant. Its by Wilfred, my video friend (aka Mr. Miagee) and his band the ElectroSonic Chamber and its called "Hang On". This was recorded at my school by some other neat people. I've made a costume for the girl (those eyelashes are damn crazy- but she's a sweetie with a great laugh) and a film she is working on... anyways, enter my world, their world, and listen to the words and see the care. (oh and if you can enjoy it with headphones, way better) so pretend you were there with the heating toilet seats and tell me you don't agree?!

Forever Hacked

2010-10-04T17:00:00.001-07:00

The right side of my body kept falling asleep today. Like a bad dream.
Nightmares filed my bones, my veins.
With no startled upwake.
They faded in and out of consciousness (conscienceless & contentedness).
Totally disconnected from the world, yet still occupying space.
They could be trampled by a hack of elephants or a drunk man stumbling and would still
stay
as
ever.

Ever as an iceberg in Atlantis 'cause forever only lasts that long,
not a minute more.
But what's a minute to forever?
It doesn't exist ("we can't fathom" she whispered)
for when there is no compass, there is no up and down ("which way?!" he hacked)

Deal your cards, you old hag!
Lets see what we've got.

Here! Now! Rush! Still!
All day, every day, now day.
Softly now day. Don't stop now day.
Forever now day.

Friendly Artist of my month

2010-09-19T21:18:00.000-07:00

Oliver Jeffers
www.oliverjeffers.com

Warm

2010-09-19T21:12:00.001-07:00

New thoughtful song of the night. Night song. not day.

Middle Age

2010-09-16T17:28:00.000-07:00

I feel like middle grounds, for whatever its worth, has been occupying my mind lately. And by that I just mean the inbetweens. (Those are the killers)

If you are an old person (its ok, lets just be frank) you can get away with alot. With shopplifting, walking into private homes, saying weird things, talking to your self, making nasty smells, pretty much all of it. And your excuse is, your old.
Then, if your young, you have an excuse. You know, your able to make mistakes, figuring out shit like who you are, how your body works, what you want to do in life.
But its that middle ground- thats serious pretentious stuff. You have no excuses. So if you can make it through that, then I guess ya, you deserve to be a little senile.

Just a thought.

I'd Buy Anything

2010-09-15T23:26:00.000-07:00

So tonight I was watching Seinfeld on Hulu- then the AllState Mayhem commersials cut on, and I didn't know which show I wanted to watch. I have such a dangerous crush on this bad boy. mmmmm! Plus they are good ads.
Such as the teenage girl...

The hot jogger....

The random windstorm...

The puppy....

The deer and the key...

The stock market man...

BLUSE

2010-09-14T22:08:00.001-07:00

I've been into the blues lately. This just touches my heart. mmmmhmm!

Viewing in Black and White

2010-09-09T23:57:00.000-07:00

When i got these few photos sent to me (from my talented Russian drook), I made an exclaimation of glee- to which Tim asked, "what is it? Puppies?" and I said yes, as I looked into the eyes of my lovely Georgian friend, Lindsay.

Every day this past week, after my enlightening street conversation with Tony, I have gotten up in the morning thinking in bewilderment, "what is going to happen today?" Its been exciting.

Besides trying to be more aware of the moment and living in the present, I've just tried to have fun intentionally. I've found that I've gotten in the habit of something, like going to the store with Tim, and not making the most of it, but lately, I think that intention has been rising and its beautiful.

I am so enthused by my library of friends.

Tunes of the Ages

2010-08-16T18:22:00.000-07:00

Poor Tim, he's heard these songs a few times here at the abode. They are just the songs of the week before last, last week and this week.

Flying Lotus, "Do The Astral Plane"

Bombay Bicycle Club, "Dust on the Ground"

Coco Rosie, "Terrible Angels"

Ida Maria, "Oh My God"

Little Boys in My Head

2010-07-23T00:23:00.000-07:00

Song of the week! Every time I hear this song now I think of ghosts because I've been reading ghosts stories and Dracula! Ahh!

Oh Look What I Found?!

2010-07-22T21:46:00.001-07:00

So I was just taking pics on Tim's Iphoto Booth and found these goodies.... These are my music boys!

Characters and Intentions.

2010-07-19T17:13:00.000-07:00

When I was a child- or a child who thought she was substantially grown up- I wanted to be everything to everyone. I knew I couldn't be someone's father or sister if I wasn't, duh, but I wanted to be your friend. And if for some reason I couldn't, I could change that fact, maybe it was because of ____ that I wasn't your best friend, so if only I changed _____ then it would work out.

Which all sounds so fatally silly and infantile now.

But there are some people who it is never going to work out with- despite the incessant mental capacity. Sometimes those brain waves don't match up with the feeling waves. For instance, there are so many reasons why I have no reason to hang out with one of my "friends". We have really hardly anything in common, except we wear things locally made or vintage. And yet I try, I try to make it work through the awkward silences and strange remarks. Music fills the gaps nicely, but its this missing of characters and intentions as my friend Wilfred wisely completes.

Some people just have characters that potentially could match... but intentions are miles away. I'll give him miles and miles and mountains but all he asks for is the sea! Don't you see! That is not for you, sonny. Not for you. Go away because I will keep trying to be friends with you and you will keep intending for the sea.

From Where?

2010-07-14T21:39:00.000-07:00

Silence.
Open cans and sad alleys.
Why is there a doll sitting there?
Alone and frightened.
Eek.
Shriek!
Just like a prickly cactus.
Feel the panels, soft and focused.
They dried out in the fire
Lets fill in the spaces. Lines and twigs.

What am I right now?
Many drawings- crammed on a paper.
I can't seem to lift the paper and fold it up into a beautiful bird.
Some of the sketches are kind, and soft, and so so pure.
Some are dark and confusing.
I smell smells from the paper-
Undefinable.
They fade over time, and transform into someone else.
Taste me!
Am I on the sheet or just behind it?
Why is it even about me?
What do the characters see?
What is so damn magical?
Something, or are they making it up.
Pow! I can see them moving.
Am I just a sketch on their paper?
Can they smell me when they walk in a room?

I want to succeed! Yes, succeed.
In what and who's to say?
Enjoy today.

New Hair

2010-07-12T12:45:00.000-07:00

So over my short spring break I've added bleach and dreadlocks to my scalp. (picture to come soon!) Since then these are the responses to who I remind them of...

Angelina Jolie from Gone in 60 Seconds (Ryan W. & Nick from Men About Town)
Lu Lu from Polyester (Ken K.)
Hayzi Fantayzee (Tom B.)
Fun Boy Three with Bananarama (Tom B.)
Shakira or Christina Aguilera (Keyvan B.)
Aliens (I think he meant Pretators) from profile view (Keyvan B.)
Eon Flux (Nick from Men about Town)
Some Pheobe chick from Cheers (don't get that one... Isaac & Matty)

More to come I'm sure!

Vacation Poems

2010-06-30T15:25:00.000-07:00

-Merciful Nature- June 29th

I don't want to force for force has never been beauty.
Except for boars and bison.
Force is akward, its trying too hard.
Its being a rock in an ocean.
For whats worth of that makes sense.
Lets not think, lets just be.
Lets exist!
For all I can tell- we do.
Since we do, lets do it well.
Don't be a lump in the sand.
But don't be shy. We are on this earth, we've bought our land.
Lets play our music.
Lets sing our song.
I love being out of tune.
Confidence gleams.
Not boasts.
It is- whether or not a soul watches.
It floats and glides and soars- yes!
Its handsome, sexy, keen, and meek (in the true sense of the world)
Lets strum our instruament.
Blow your horn!
If you are not brave for yourself, then that only leaves a few others to pull you boat.
God knows we can't all or won't all be tug boats.
Steam, Steam!
Lets let rocks form.
Lets find splendor in spider webs.
Lets dance til we have blisters.
Then let us kiss those blisters and bug bites and gasp with glee!
For the night is over and there is another day ahead.

Who shall our inspiration be today?
How about the clear crystal air?
How about the indian painted book?
What about those tears you saved in a pot?
Show the mountains- for the might be inspired by you.
Ever think of that?
What does the spider in the corner ponder about you?
Does it admire your body and motion through its many eyes?
What?! I have so much to say with these paper ears.
Let me speak- and take note!
Take note of every stroke of every jot and dash and translate that into ideas.
Symbols and shapes planting three dimensional pictures and interactive visions in the mind!
Do you see this now-
can you hear the cracks?
I paint a picture with words and its not worth a thousand words.
Unless a thousand words was what it took.

What does the hawk see as it flies around the room?
Is it enjoying the music? The architecture?
What concerns it?
Is it more redeemable than our thought occupiers?

Don't tease me- don't bluff me!
Take off this blindfold, for there is no pinata.
No fiesta.
Vacant dreams.
They picked up and never settled back.
The bag was always there and never packed.
It matched the olive skin of the evening sky.
Chenille couch, leather end table, stone book.
No sense.
None what so ever!
But what's abstract about that?
Who dictated order?
Oh, we deserve it?
Is life fair!
I won't answer that for you...
Lets not go there.
Rubber bounces back and I stand up. When will the cord snap?
When will the cream curdle?
Did the fairytale end?
Did it spill all over you like a baby's bottle.
Wipe it off- or not.
I might not.
I don't want to stop- recent trend.
I want to build brick after brick, but it looses its form.
How much is too much? How many pats cross the line?
Jerk my knee. Sqeeze my spine.
I just want a kiss!
Some gratification that whats in my head is genuine.
But wait- Don't!
Too late, I broke that dam.
The dog is out of its kennel and lost.
Lost in the woods for the lions to eat- if they so choose.
Choose not, dear lions!
Mercy, and choose not.

-Crispy Air- June 28th

Somehow I felt like a child who fell over on her rocking horse.
Head to ground, hair over head, spine bent.
I lay there- with blood moving to my skull.
The air was warm.
The colors warm.
The sunlight streaming.
It smelled of lavenders in the summer.
One lilac over another until the petals fell off.

Poems 4+5+6

2010-06-26T09:24:00.000-07:00

-The Burning Glass- June 23 2010

I saw a man- he walked around in circles to a loud beat.
The sides came in around him, forming what seemed to be walls.
Walls of air.
He danced and continued.
It grew and grew.
The weight of the sound that the air made grew to be almost unbearable.
He ignored.
Turning to the right, then an angle.
He tapped and twirled with power and ease as a bird taking a bath.
It grew- he turned.
Shrinking walls made him grow in turn.
By each turn I wondered if he realized the growing declining.
He tried too hard, repeatedly.
Then stop.
He looked at me with his eyes burning- though I didn't even know I was standing there.
He puled something out of his pocket but the light swept it up and again
I couldn't hear anything.
My head made a clanking noise which was worse than the scene before me.
It was the most horrible sound I heard.
I ran, or motioned to, but chose to shake.
I shook and shook and the noise wouldn't cancel.
I searched for a warm thought- but they fled.
Scattered like broken glass.
Was the bottle ever whole?
The reflections from the mangled glass made me smile.
And was that it? Was that happiness? A shimmer?
If so- I'll jump in that enclosed circle.
I do not belong in there. I'm not sure who does.
I wanted to dance though.
With my arms raised far above my head.
I chose I would be the bottle.
No one shall shatter me- though someone can.
No! Let me leap and spin!
I feel air, I made it move.

-Wicked Beast - June 24 2010

I am a winged beast.
So beautiful so effortless.
I sore as I catch my reflection.
Yell!
Glee or harm- the line is blurred.
The wings sore so gracefully at times.
Who put me here?
Before I fell- repeatedly.
Over and over.
As rock hit body ten times fold.
What's new?
It happened; I saw.
How can falling and flying have a middle ground?
Yet it does!
It appears only with in the two-
Each are folded up and presented amongst the two.
How evil is meritocracy?
The world shakes.
It juggles with mutiny as it confirms my fears.
Don't meld the two.
Pick and side and
Run!
For even Hitler was brave!
Admire you!
It's dark and windy and who's to be impressed?
Don't sit there, as I do.
Run or weep, but don't lie.
Life is twisted and no one has found the goggles.
We need them o view the night alleys with.
How deep it goes!
Talk to me, You voice who has it figured out.
I'm not mad at you- I think.
I am a speck to you- though you hide.
Now you announce.
All around.
Every glass of the spectacles were made by You.
But I've dropped them on the floor, the velvet toothed floor.
Its soft- I want to lay on it, in it.
What about flying? Where was I going? How strange.
Time stood still yet my body kept aging.
My wings grew decrepit even without me doing a thing.
I watched them turn to stone ash and blow away as dust on a shelf.
Go away! I'm sick of looking at you anyway.
Pretentious.
But I do miss the way you were.
Gold- not as metal but as light.
Airy and warm, possessing life all on your own.
Why you choose to house this beast, I'll never know!
My claws tangling in the feathers, we were an awkward match.
But you overcame my shame.
And made me all of you.
It was wonderful.
It was beautiful indeed.
Don't drop that warmth.
Go chase it back.
Your seat is warm- go make it cold.
Run after it you coward-
You have nothing to loose!
Leap- take up your mat.
Surprise!
You were never lame.
Your talons told you you were and you listened!
Ha!
Go rejoice- there are no strings.
Your wings were meant to swoop.
Crippled only be mundane.
Choose not, and go!

-Spinning in Spit- June 25 2010
Leave me alone you mongrol.
Let me be dramatic while your eyes are elsewhere.
It hurts! The tear!
Its loud and binding.
I want to be let out from your grasp- your mystifying grasp.
That myst is what I crave
Yes, let me be dramatic!
I want you to drop me, drop me hard and never look back.
Yes, it will shatter me but go too far!
I can't bear these strings anymore!
Then I see your eyes again and poof! I am up on a ladder for you.
Ready to dive.
Its not beautiful. What I need is kneeling.
What I get is kneading.
Of my lungs and of my stomach.
Over and over it turns.
Once in good form next: swollen.
Please, I need you to let me go!
It hurts too much.
Have you had this feeling?
Do you know what its like to have strings sewn around your belly, your intestines?
Your deepest parts then pulled up above the crowd of your judgmental thoughts to be roasted and roared?
I spin from rage and shame-
Wishing it was not I up on that skewer.
For I do not know this girl.

I Guess I Write Poems Now

2010-06-23T16:09:00.000-07:00

-Horror Ants -

Its like I've been sleeping all day, and I woke up with this taste in my mouth.
But instead it wasn't just a day. It was a twisted sequence of hours forming days almost as if they built a shape.
A mound, a mountain, or the abyss of. A cave.
I carried on my way. For what else do I do?
My eyes moved and followed the events, not my head.
My mind didn't know what to make with it.
I wanted to leave and run away yet my body did nothing.
Lest I dash my head against a stone. What's worse?
Instead I thought of clouds, white. far. distant. nice.
I followed it in my mind until it got to far for me to imagine.
Then what brought me flutters of mystical feelings turned into sludge and rain and scared me
The scare went deep inside me, overturning my guts like a dog overturns barried bones.
So I sat there, bones to wood, bones un-hinged and broken inside my hollow center.
Hollow within hollow. marrow within marrow.
What does it matter? the water may wash over me in an alley or a sea and then buttercups!
Clean in the meantime.
Lets go up to the second floor!
Where do they meet?
Pop my back. break my eggs.
I'm growing ankles as we speak.
What if everything i knew that was me wasn't?
Whats there left to do but dance?
The ants have it down. one by one.

-Aggressive Articles-

Why is everything we do a cause for celebration, a cause for franchise?
"No!" She screamed at the top of her soul.
Don't succumb to this.
Don't be the scum we wipe off our windshields at night.
He heaped the trash up on a pile. Then there it was.
The hot trash that lead to the dissemblely of a lost bench.
No place to rest- no soul to relax.

Hark! Why!
Not as I proclaimed.
Why? Wence?
What does this mean? What can we say?
Leave me alone, or leave me a knife- go get the supper.
Turn on the TV, stretch your shirt, your skirt.
Oh not on my behalf.
Not a half not a whole not a toe poking out from its sorry home.
Not I!
Not why.
Serve your input
Serve your soul- the penguins agree.
Don't march. Don't seize.
Don't be correct. Be inject.
Be tall, be short, be kind, be bold.
Be veins, bold veins with dreams and goals with roadsigns.
And wash my ears.
Show me the way.

Hear my cry, my faint and effort cry.
Use my heart to pump your blood.
Is that what you need?
Is that what you want?
Why victim? Why murderer? Why suicide?
Do you ever know what you mean?
Knit me back together.
Purl meets with ink, soul clashes with universe.
Another day done.
Clap the erasers, wipe the slate.

-Hideous Outlook-

I have to let this go now.
I have to let this go now, don't I?
Like every hair falling off my body. It goes.
Long, far away.
Flee!
Leave my presence, fly away!
Stop clenching me in your fists.
Leave me alone you Gore.
You soft and gentle Gore.
Stop petting me, stop caressing me, stop minding me in my mind.
I felt the wall move.
I felt it shake beneath my head.

I want it all- I want it back.
Though mine I never had.
Take whats yours.
Kiss what's mine.
We'll run away but not which way.
I'll paint a picture but I won't look back.
I'll look right in, but I won't look out.
I rolled around- I got so wrong.
I saw a view that was not mine.
I craved and I fought but only against air.
What I saw was never there-
Just a loud alarm chirping in my ear.
"Take me! Take me!" it screamed.
They fought for my attention, and attention they got, when I realized I was the one asking.

I sped, I'm sorry.
Don't let me run you over.
You were soft and kind, and I never should of taken.
But you burst my tires with your rules.
And I burst your wills with my mind.
What foolishness!
What was I thinking?
Every paper airplane got its piece and every sparrow had its neck.
It cracked. I laughed.
You wavered. I smacked.
I was cruel! I was intrusive.
Why didn't I ask?
Why didn't I think?
Did I see the point at hand- did I see the task?
Did my mind move too fast?
Did I pour it out to never retrieve, like an oil drop on a crow?
Were you aware?
Were you surprised?
Was the black noticeable on your shiny coat?
Or was it just another speck on your heathered gray.

Turn me aside- wipe me away.
Don't be dramatic.
Don't be sarcastic.
Scream in public.
Make a scene.
Be a hippie! For once is once.
Kind is rude, and up brings me down.
My face is in the mud-
The tired and soddy mud.
At least here they don't hold a tea cup at my mouth.
My teeth fell out, onto your lap.
I tried to keep them in but out they rolled.
Down my bib and in your pot- for you to water and nourish
But instead you distorted.
Why did I walk in here? This is no green house.
No wash of salt.
My wounds are bare- who's to cure?

My appetite fails me, for worms are no meal.
I ate, I ate
Only to see I had eaten a sore.
It grew inside me to devour mankind.
Instead it just turned red and stole my mind.
It ran and ran, but there was no one to chase it.
"Come back."
"Please!"
"You don't know where to go!"
It laughed. I sneered.
We turned around and walked right back.
What rhythm! What form!
How beautiful for horror.
Is that strange? Is that pretend?
Whats black, whats white.
Don't get in a rut.
I fell through the slats of my picnic chair.

Past Few Weeks of Time

2010-06-22T22:44:00.000-07:00

Happy father's day- poor dad, ya got three crazy girls and one crazy photographer! Happy fashion show! and Happy furniture show!

Theme of the weekend that started Thursday night

2010-06-13T23:00:00.001-07:00

There is a cafe in San Francsico called Cafe Graditute- they ask a question of the day, something like, "what are you grateful for?" or such. If they were to ask me what my gratitude is for this moment, I would say these two songs by Mumford & Sons.
The Cave, and Awake my Soul. Theme phrase of the day, "I know my call despite my faults
And despite my growing fears"

Seahorse was Hungry!

2010-05-17T15:36:00.000-07:00

Judging Drafts

2010-05-03T22:01:00.000-07:00

New Likes

2010-05-02T20:06:00.000-07:00

Barnacle Goose by Born Ruffians

At the Hop by Devendra Banhart

Maru and the Big Box

Maru and other boxes

I'm a Child

2010-04-21T21:23:00.000-07:00

I had this dream a while ago, and it was brought up in my cloudy memory today. In the dream, somehow I found out that everyone (my friends, teachers) had established the strong belief that I was abundantly prideful and arrogant. And in the dream it was true. There was this moment of me overhearing someone comment about me, and all of a sudden I saw it in everyone's faces. They didn't like me, and I could see how prideful I was and how controlling and "wonderful" I was. It was a dreadful feeling because all of a sudden the mirror I had been looking out of turned around and I saw what was really there. It was freaky, like I didn't know who I really was, then all of a sudden I was the wretch.

I was reminded of that when I made a slight comment about how I'm struggling with a class of mine to my academic director. I won't get into the details of why I was or am perturbed, but rather that with a quick turn and still papers she looked me straight in the eyes and said "You are a child." and then continued to remind me, and point out as if I didn't know (though reminders are always welcome), that I am a child and do not know it all, and am just beginning of knowing the surface of it.

That is when the recollection of the dream came back and I thought, "oh no, is this what everyone thinks of me? That I think I know it all?" I don't, if you think so. And I know that. But if you ever need to remind me, feel free. Don't wait for my dreams to.

My New Favorite Minute and 30 Plus Seconds

2010-04-11T18:38:00.000-07:00

New Apartment- Battle Won!

2010-03-01T10:36:00.000-08:00

Since Tim and I got married a year and half ago we've lived in a district on the south side of San Francisco called the Excelsior. It was a great little studio place to live as our first place in marriage, and a great way to introduce Tim to the city softly. It became time where I wanted to live closer to the heart of the city and Tim wanted more space. I think we barely began to pray (or even look for places seriously) when I got the number of a lady who is works for Hayes Valley Property and rents out loads of apartments in Hayes Valley (where I work- and actually smack dab in the center of the city) via one of my friends who just moved to a different location in the hood.

Even though the odds were against us, Tim and I couldn't help but get excited (and a tad anxious) Around that time I read 2 Chronicles chapter 20. Basically the Moabites, Ammonites, and Meunites came to war against Jehosaphat who at that time was king of Judah. It was a huge army, just around the bend in En Gedi. Jehosaphat decided to pray, he called all the people of Judah and told them to pray and fast. They basically all say- "God, you are powerful and kind." God spoke to them and told them not to fear or be discouraged. So they went out the next day to the valley on the other side of where the bad guys were, and just worshiped God. They sang praises. While this was going on all the 'bites on the other side started ambushing each other and not one was left alive. Not only that but there was so much plunder the people of Judah couldn't even take it away. That is what I knew God was telling me.

Back to this story...
I gave her a call and she said to call her in about 15 days when a new apartment opens up- its a one bedroom. The thing you need to understand is that it was a miracle we got into the place in Excelsior (which we later nicknamed "Big Bug City"). At that time Tim and I had no credit, I had a job which wouldn't cover rent alone, and Tim didn't have a job at all. Still they gave it to used based on Tim's mum's credit- so we were sub-leasing. It had been a year lease and after a year was on a month to month.

We looked at this place in Hayes on around the 17th of February- and needless to say we loved it. There were a few awkward phone interactions with the land lady. And then we applied. We were the first people to see the place, and she had two other showings in the next day. We "applied" (no forms) by giving her our references (both of our bosses) and our current, or now previous land owner's numbers. She asked for proof of our work- which was easy for Tim but harder for me because... well, lets just say its on a cash basis. I was worried about this, but thankfully she knows my boss, rents his business and his house to him so she just took my word for what I made. Tim had a little bit of credit, since we've gotten a credit card since we got married, but still, not much.

And then we were in limbo land. We were waiting on her decision, and we couldn't give our 30 days until we heard yah or nah but the move in date was in about 12 days so there was the overlap of apartment fees hovering over our heads. Then there was the cost of the deposit (which we wouldn't get our other deposit back from Big Bug City til much later) and the first month's rent, which we didn't have! Then on top of all that- we had no bed. How ironic, because most other furniture you can live without, at least for a while, but a bed, for two people especially, it kinda important (the reason is because Big Bug City had a Murphy bed that came with the place- quite comfy too). But I knew that God would provide that (and a microwave...).

A few days after viewing the apartment I was in class, my Government and Politics class, and we happened to be volunteering at Glide which is a non-profit place in the tenderloin that serves 3 meals 365 days a year to anyone (we served about 700 people, mainly homeless) and then offers some temporary housing and medical help. It was where the story that "Pursuit of Happiness" took place and was filmed there.

I got a call from Hayes Valley Properties but I had these gloves on and I was serving food to all these people who were really hungry. The last thing I wanted to do was pull out my cell and act like I was a little snob. But she called me twice, I at least had to listen to the voicemail! I did (to which a comment was, "got a hot date tonight"? when someone watched me on the phone) and she said that she wants Tim and I to have the apartment.

Now we just had to get all the money in the next few days, get a bed, and move. The place was so much better than our old one, but it was $100 more. I would be getting rid of my car so that cost would go down, but still. My generous uncles let us borrow a few grand to get in the door and when we went to sign the lease we found out that she chose to drop the price $50 a month for us. Yah! Now we just had nothing to sleep on.

My grandma has a condo that shes trying to sell, fully furnished, with 3 beds in there.... So i gave her a ring and explained the situation. She said "sure you can have a bed, as soon as the condo sells!" My heart dropped, the place had been on the market for a while and still no officials bites- we had no idea how long that would be! I said, "Do you think that having that bed in there is going to help the place sell better?" No was her response, but she wanted to keep it for people who came to visit every now and then, like my parents. I called my dad and told him and he said he didn't even know there was that third bed (so obviously he didn't use it that much). He called her and she said yes- but she wanted to come and give me all the linens personally on the one day we had a moving truck (and it decided to rain the days before) and on a day I had to work. Tim took my place, and we didn't sleep one night here without a bed.

One by one God took care of those battles for me. I didn't know how it was going to happen, but it was so amazing that it did and how it did. I saw each battle won and thought, "ok, what about the next?" Its one one of those things that fades over time and we forget how amazing the situation was. I just wanted to record that story for Tim and my own good. Pictures soon to come!

For the Records

2010-01-10T22:50:00.001-08:00

I found some neat new blogs tonight. Tom told me about Selby, photographers and bloggers venture into neat houses. And then there is www.designspongeonline.com which just features good design. On that site I went to another that was called the (oh, my husband just called a demon fat...) paper cut project which has inspired me to make beautiful paper hats for my fashion creations.
Other things about my weekend at work...
Friday>>> met a man with eyes that win the most bizarre award. I wish I remembered the name of his condition but basically he was born with eyes containing irises that never closed. Meaning that instead of a round pupil in the center of the eye, the pupil was located at the bottom of the iris, blocking the greenish iris to complete its circle and the pupil was not round. Instead it was a weird oblong shape with jagged edge in towards the center of the iris. I was talking to him at work, and of course not listening very well due to my distractions. I wasn't sure if I was seeing it correctly, or if I was getting the aura before my mirgraine. He smiled a little and had some what sharp caynine teeth which honestly gave me a chill and I was not sure what I was looking at. Later I realized his eyes were for real and I asked him about it(me and my questions). He said alot of people don't notice it but its a rare condition, which does effect his vision but he can still see. Most people if they have it only have it in one eye, and his was very rare, but so cool. Ya had to be there.
Saturday>>> over the phone, my co worker Tom gave a girl our bosses email... for his reasons I'll change it but its to the effect "el_keyvan@yahoo.com" and then he gets off the phone. About 20 mins later, phone rings again, I answer this time to apparently the same female. She says the email address didn't work and she might have gotten it wrong. I asked her to repeat it back to me to which this was the response... "E-L-U-N-D-E-R-S-C-O-R-E-K-E-Y-V-A-N-@-Y-A-H-O....." um, keystoke dear.
Sunday>>> met a man named Autumn. Never had before. Odd, but pretty. His nick name at times was "tum" or "tom" from the end of the name. I haven't gotten that one before.

That's it, school starts again tomorrow... and go!

Mount Shasta Coffee Review

2010-01-07T20:50:00.000-08:00

Conducted at random time without pre notice, professional Hannah Hervieux and I, coffee analyzer, Autie Snyder completed a first annual local coffee evaluation. Place of location: Mount Shasta. Date: December 31st 2009. Places of Business: Internet Cafe, Stage Door, Coffee Break, and Seven Suns. Order: single shot of espresso, hot. Conditions for judging on scale from 1-bad to 10-great: Service, espresso taste, heat (according to 10 being personal perfect heat), ambiance, and price.
Ready: go.

INTERNET CAFE, price $2.50 (for two shots)
service: (Hannah's rate) 8.5 (Autie's rate) 8
taste: (H) 8.5 (A) 8 (tasted robust)
heat: (H) 6.5 (A) 6
ambiance: (H) 3 (A) 3

STAGE DOOR, price $1.75
service: (H) 7 (A) 7.5
taste: (H) 5.5 (A) 5 (tasted like strong drip coffee, not creme)
heat: (H) 10 (A) 10
ambiance: (H) 9 (A) 9 (best for Mt. Shasta)

COFFEE BREAK, price $ 2.50
service: (H) 5 (A)6.5 (first employee uneducated, later owner popped out)
taste: (H) 7 (A) 6.5 (grainy)
heat: (H) 5 (A) 5 (way too hot, burned)
ambiance: n/a drive through (but our ambiance in the truck was nice!)

SEVEN SUNS, price $ 1.50
service: (H) 9 (A) 9
taste: (H) 9 (A) 8.5 (smooth)
heat: (H) 9 (A) 10
ambiance: (H) 7 (A) 7.5 (more hippie/snowboarder/local)

Overall, with our heads a little dizzy the trip was a good one with bits of shopping and walking between as well as meeting up with random aquaintances. Seven Suns wins the overall package of the Mt. Shasta Coffee review, scoring highest over all! Thanks for reading!

Harri

2009-11-14T20:12:00.000-08:00

Here's for the saturday boogaloo...

Have I told you about Harri? This one has to be recorded. I'll brief it down a tad--
The other day, Halloween to be specific, I worked with my coworker Tom (he was a cowboy, I was an indian) and he gave me some left over candy to take home, into my purse it went (purse which had been at the bottom of our closet in our old work building which is known to have a few mice). I get home, look in my bag, and one of the kit kats had been eaten from what had to be a mouse. It was carved out with little paper shreads all around it, but no mouse in my purse!

I was home alone then and was working on my laptop when out of the corner of my eye I see a brown thing run towards my printer area on the floor. It spooked me, and made me a little perterbed. I saw where it went, and preceeded to baracade the area surrounding the printer- which was the only place for him to go.I went though a half hour of disecting and trying to find where the mouse went--- I put the printer outside in a grocery bag, and then disovered the mouse was still in the house. That night he ate the crumbs i left for him, as well as climbed on the counter and ate Tim's left over Angel Food cake that was wrapped up. We heard him at 2 am, and got glue traps the next day (after naming him Harri).

Those only ended up moving about 5 inches twice (i think he was either stronger than the glue or lighter and never sank in)- once we heard, and the other we woke up to. So that didn't work. We got a snap trap (boo hoo) and since he liked angel food cake we put a little trail out of the closet to that. That night he ate the trail, but not the piece on the trap. Next night, the piece on the trap was gone, but no snappage (was I happy he didn't die or not?).

That evening I got home to an empty house (or was it?) and barly turned on the lights and saw Harri jump off the counter and under the fridge. We thought he had been hiding out in our closet (which was true) and so I tried to get him out from under the fridge, with no avail, sat back, and blimp! he ran from the fridge back into the closet.. doah!

We put the trap, which now had peanut butter on it as bait, onto the counter and around 2 am again, snap!!! Then wiggle wiggle. It was sad, right in the craineium. I made Tim take care of that, (but thanksfully it was on the counter not the carpet... bloody) Tim took him off the trap and tossed him over the hill (we didn't want the trash getting gross.

Two days later Tim saw Jimi (our neighborhood cat) eating it in our back yard.... the ghost of Harri past....

That was about it, til the next day when I get an email saying that there it a brown striped cat sick on our neighbor's porch, puking etc. In the end, it wasn't him, but I thought that would be such a bummer! Its ironic cuz we've had the cat in before, but couldn't let him in to catch Harri due to fleas, and we had had that snake in our garage before... where was he when we needed him?! What's with the infestations?!

Boy oh boy.

Plates

2009-11-08T00:36:00.000-08:00

Here is again- the difference between Tim and I.

5 Octaves

2009-11-04T11:23:00.000-08:00

This made me laugh to tears- enjoy.

Life in October of 2009

2009-10-27T21:46:00.000-07:00

Wanna hear an idiot move? I sold some shoes on ebay the other day (ones that I had used for the fashion show), I was selling two of the same style, in different sizes. She ordered size 8 and apparently I sent one shoe of the size 8 and the other size 10. Doah! (we've also been watching alot of Simpsons)

Overall update- doing pretty good. Ive been enjoying designing so much lately. I am almost (but not!) overloaded with designing garments (swimwear, ready to wear, couture, and conceptual). It is fun, but so so so hard to do. Don't misjudge this, (I had a guy ask me what I was studying and he says "what do you do, just design stuff?" and its really hard in one sentence to shape a person's perspective of a 300 billion dollar industry and what it really entails) it is really hard to put a good mood and trend board together, as well as a beautiful and marketable color palette and fabric story.

More in depth, I've truly enjoying sharing this process with my mother and her dial up internet more than ever. Its neat have her be part of that creative flow although we live not so close.

Also, thank you Jesus for Tim's job. He got a job at a ritzy supermarket close to home and its working out great!

And no idea for a Halloween outfit yet.

Idea of Perfection: (what is this?)

2009-10-04T22:13:00.000-07:00

Allow me to preface this with- I am not a writer. Not to say I am incapable of writing, but its doesn't come naturally. I wrote a story for my "Story Writing" class (who would of guessed?!) last quarter. I wrote one about a lady named Lorraine. I updated it after many helpful corrections and rebukes, but it lead me on a mind tangent tonight driving home.

My story is not perfect, never will be. My teacher is a published writer, and even in her stories, after readings by many many professionals and great amounts of revisions, there are still mistakes. Same is true with anything I create. And then, oh and then, when I finally feel (haven't yet) that I have accomplished something close to perfect, that is just the beginning, because with art, public, commercial art, other opinions matter. Who's does? Mainly the critics who see my work, those in the fashion industry who can effect my career, my customers, because someone has to wear what I make (otherwise my creation is void, literally), and those close to me.

However, the "how much" it matters varies and this is where perfection really does become subjective- (which is a hard word for me to say is truth) Who knows if I'll ever reach perfection on earth? Likely hood- probably won't. And again, like last night, am I okay with that?

It reminds me of one of my favorite quotes, one that I relate with so greatly- "Maybe its the thought that next time might be perfect, that keeps us going." by Viktor and Rolf.

Anyways, read my story if you get a chance, its on my other blog that is dedicated to stories, especially those of my co-workers. Its called Story Catcher.

Lack of Cool

2009-10-04T00:00:00.001-07:00

I've always wanted to be one of those people who are cool. I know that sounds like a pointless statement to say, because I don't know who deep down wishes the opposite, but still.
My friend was over tonight, showing us pictures of a wedding he was in lately, how totally rad the pictures are of the bridal party were (and truly, they are amazing and evoke a bit of envy in my though I hope to translate that into happiness for the couple) then telling us hilarious stories about the brother of the groom and how he owed him "a puke" and these crazy things that some cool guy did that made people roll in laughter and make up for a hang over. Its funny, as I say that, it sounds lame, but I love when a person can infect another person enough that the first person just loves to tell stories about the other person. Did you follow that?

Anyways, I've been learning how neat it is that famous rad dude named Jesus loved something inside of me, not because he had to, but because he did. Not cause I was cool. But regardless. That is so sweet and clear.

I think that is so boggeling because I've never met anyone else who is able to do that, I think that deserves my worship. God blows me.

So if that was it, is that enough? Am I really ok with that?

New Cool Thingies

2009-09-13T23:04:00.001-07:00

So, quick message here since I have an 8am class.

Website is done! Check it out if you haven't already at www.autieautie.com! It doesn't have hardly any work (series) on there, but soon soon! Gotta start somewhere right? :) Oh, and if you refresh it a few times, there are three random hand drawn backgrounds that will reveal themselves.

And can I just mention something else for my own personal record. I have the coolest parents. They visited last weekend, we talked them into spending that night (which was unplanned) and since they had no where else to stay- what better than our abode? Except they didn't want to switch us for the bed (so they could rest their hard working backs) but they decided to camp out side. Literally. They set up a tent on our back porch, with sleeping bags etc. The "camp" noises were very out of place with sirens and freeway sounds.

It was a funny feeling going to bed knowing they were out there. They said that over almost 30 years of being married, they've never gone camping just by themselves. We had a good time. And no one tripped in the morning off the porch step!

Goodnight.

Pins and Texts

2009-09-10T00:36:00.000-07:00

I really should go to bed, but its been so long since I've written on this blog what's a few more minutes? Did that even make sense.

I have been so busy with homework and then when monday-thursday are done, work.

Tomorrow the website that I've been collaborating on (only since its mine and I have to input my opinion, not like i've been actually working or designing the website) will be done (fingers crossed). I am very excited, but if you were here, and if i were to say that out loud, my enthusiasm might be swallowed by exhaustion in an un-expressive and minimal lip movement motion.

I wanted to record this sweet text message from my Hubby (who is out of town) because my phone doesn't have an archive- "Oh how I love you. Good nite my lovely wife. This is your last nite without bed lasers." (By the way, bed lasers are Tim's arm cutting my body in half when I cross over to his side of the bed, i like to sleep diagonally, not leaving him much room, and when I hit that pillow I am out!) I've missed the lasers, but still pulled fan out. I can't believe he's got me referring to fan by its first name (regarding a person not an object).

He's so nice, the other day he didn't get upset when he found a pin in the homemade spagetti sauce meal I had made. He says that's how he knows he's married to a fashion designer. Soon to be known to the world as clothing creator.

Goodnight.

Neato Brain Thoughts

2009-08-05T09:12:00.001-07:00

In the world of texting, funeral is not a good word.
You can't abbreviate it and have it take the same effect.
"we r goin 2 the fun."

Aside from that obscure note- I want to point out how God has blessed me through migraines. It never ceases to amaze me what He uses. Its so fun to watch, yet sometimes so hard to see. And this is just a small thing, really. Yet even the fact that Tim found it looking on Craig's list, and now i've been working with this specialty migraine doctors who pay ME for going to the doctors. How cool is that? Although- its not the funnest topic, its pretty much the only kinds of tests i'd like to be doing at a doctor, as they are helping me figure out why I get these pesky little migraines.

I've found out that I have a blood gene mutation via these folks, I've kept very close tabs on when I get migraines, so now its not just a "guestimation." And I get other tests for my heart or the like, all for free- no wait, money.

Its interesting too because God has protected me. The first study I did was this birth control pill that was supposed to help keep my hormone levels equal throughout the month and hence, possibly help my migraines. Well, it was a double blind case study, and it turns out I got a placebo. Which was fine with me, but I did wonder if the meds would of helped, instead of sugar pills. Anyways, after this study- I find out that since I have a blood clotting condition, I can never be on regular birth control pills because that is dangerous for people like me.

Wow. Nice to know. A little late, but thank you Jesus.

Next study that I'm in the steps of right now is basing if I'm qualified by how many migraines I get per month. I was told that I should "lean towards getting 4 per month" if possible (whatever that meant). But this is like an 8 month study and would be good to do, and good income.

But in a weird way, I think God has enabled me to have the softest of migraines possible to qualify me (we are still waiting to see if I will be qualified) because I have gotten more migraines than usual, but so peaceful versions of them. I don't know, maybe He is, maybe not.

My mother

2009-07-16T23:58:00.000-07:00

Look at this babe- I just refound this pictures froma few years ago during a 4th of July trip.

Big Sur

2009-07-08T18:43:00.000-07:00

Tim and I planned on going camping in Big Sur, CA last year for part of our honeymoon- we couldn't due to the out of hand fires, so this was our rain check. We went camping as an early and affordable anniversary date (August 1st!).

We camped at Pfieffer Big Sur State Park. We were number 3 out of 218 sites. As we walked through them the second day we were there, we saw the diversity of them (some by the river, some with big redwoods, some close and in the sun). That same day we met up with my uncle Tom and Jack. Strange that the first time we had ever been there they were there that weekend! (Tom goes more frequently, but Jack hadn't been there for at least 7 plus years. We hiked up the gorge (the river) which i hear used to have more water in it previous year, but not this year. Tim managed it with his flip flops as they passed around the yellow back pack.

There was one point where we had to climb up this steep rock that someone had placed a "string" rope to pull one up. It was tricky but we felt like a team afterwards. Later that night we went to the legendary (yet new to us) Nepenthe resterant who has an amazing view with sneaky blue jays. We got a drink (beers and martinis) with them at the deck, around 6pm then they left, leaving us $100 for dinner. Feeling overly blessed, and grateful we didn't have to go back to cook our humble dinner at our campsite, we ate duck and swordfish amonsgt what we thought was the best view there. We left at 9:30pm.

We ended up seeing repeats of the same people in Big Sur, the distranged family man, the two German guys, and beer gut belly man.

This morning, after packing up (packed up our broken tent door tent) we stopped by Pfieffer Beach (had the nicest bathrooms by a beach I've ever been to) which was so rewarding due to the other beaches we found that were fenced off. It was sad to leave so soon as we were getting to know our way around, however a shower did feel nice.

China Beach Boys and Girl

2009-06-23T01:09:00.000-07:00

We went to China beach the other day- Tim, Nathan, and I. It was great.

Currently

2009-06-09T22:50:00.000-07:00

Right now I am sitting at the table with my cute husband who is completely fascinated with "Imovie" and old videos creating a musical wrestling movie. I enjoy seeing and hearing him laugh as he cracks or amazes himself. And we just found out he doesn't know how to save it....

In the kitchen I have a stainless steel bowl with tea water in it as well as the new cotton voille dress that I made (I'm dying).

Besides that, what else is new besides my obsessive multiple page to-do list and the calender months I had to map out with due dates. We went to the beach the other day, and had lots of company. I'll put some images up of that soon. Its been good.

Oh, I got Stevie Wonder's cell phone number at work. True.

Sleepwalking Laughs

2009-05-18T21:06:00.000-07:00

On a happier note..... have a laugh! The second video just goes for longer than it needs to. Once he's down, he's down. Enjoy.

Fail Me Not

2009-05-13T00:10:00.001-07:00

My body is tired of sitting and my husband is getting ready for bed to the effect that I want to do that also. So I'll be quick and direct here with what I've learned about myself tonight.

Nothing I create is going to be perfect. That should just make me praise God even more. I want to be ok with that now because I think that's how its always going to be (unless I get to be a fashion designer in heaven which I'm pretty sure I will be). It also keeps me humble.

I cannot put anything in the place of God, and I wouldn't say this is like a substance that has altered my state and I worship it ("it" being fashion design as you might have figured out by now), but in many ways, I do. Whatever I do will always let me down. The things that fail me, even though it might have worked before, shouldn't surprise me.

1 Peter 1:7 says that - These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.

The idea is that God is going to stick me in some trials and let those things fail me because I'll find that all my tools will burn up in comparison to what God's tools are, and when I see those are gone, I will realize that God is all that is there.

And one last thing, for clarification. I feel that blogs are a very self-absorbent, personal tangent of one liking the sound of their own fingers typing, which I do fall prey to often, this is a personal "journal" entry that I want to look back on many times as a reminder and lesson of what God is teaching me. Sorry if it sounds rather vague.

untitled (for lack of narrowing a title down)

2009-05-07T23:00:00.000-07:00

Some days are rather exhausting, this can be counted as one (not more than some, and definatly not more than other people's days but I'm tired). I've been very busy with midterms in my five classes. Because of work and other midterms and deadlines I've been pressed for time and forced to get my projects done just before due (I finished a few mins before class today, which is unlike me) and sleeping in late this morning doesn't help but it does give one a good feeling when you got something done so fast.

That's not what I set out to write about. Actually after all, that looks rather silly (as I stand up and share about target markets and clothing designers). Its just one of those days that like the knot that ties a whole bunch of thoughts together. Kind of like the synopsis of a good series episode- or an episode all the same.

My friend Rachel R. (and I do care about her privacy, but I know that those that read this are close enough to know the situation and care to not spread this news around until it is ready to be) has been engaged to this nan named Nick for years. They are both around the age of 23 and are planning on getting married next summer after she graduates (this has been put back a year already). Without taking too much of your time let me explain that this Nick man has had a crazy life, hearing his story makes you feel like you just watched a movie. It hasn't all been pleasant even though with Rachel in it I'm sure it has picked up some more cheery smiles.

About a year and a half ago Nick got in an accident while the two of them were nursing a long distance relationship. They had a spat (like we do in relationships) and had ended the nightly phone call in a huff and went their ways. He turned off his phone and left his roommates, she was about ready to board a plane with her family for a Spring vacation the next day.

Nick went on a walk, late and night, and a drunk driver hit him going about 45 mph. It left him unconscious on the side of the road, broken legs, 6 broken ribs and an injured frontal lobe which left 4 weeks of amnesia. Over all, he recovered and didn't die even though he spent the night in the ditch (because his phone was off remember so no one could get ahold of him).

After that Nick and Rachel were able to live together here in San Francisco for the last year. The other day he had to go to the hospital. It turns out there has been internal bleeding ever since a year and a half ago inside his torso region somewhere. Because it has been so long it damaged alot of tissue and the doctors gave him a few weeks to a few months to live. There is a surgery that could prolong it a little, if that, or it might just kill him.

Its crazy how you can go from planning your wedding dress to not knowing what the next few months are going to look like. Yeah everything else does seem silly. And how i've taken it for grated that I was able to get married. It seems they can't even get there.

Yet I keep thinking, who knows? God is big, so big and he can save Nick. I don't know God's plan, but I do know that His priorities are right and He will do what's best, even if that doesn't seem like it to us. I just don't want them to go through that pain. Maybe nows better then later...

God, I just keep seeing her big blue eye balls with beautiful lashes that are weary from crying. That image on the 5th floor will always be with me.

There is this part in Wolverine the movie that I watched the other day. This lady hypnotizes the bad guy and tells him to walk, walk until his feet bleed, then keep walking. I feel like that is what Rachael has to do. She has to be so strong, and keep being strong, even past the point that she can any more, and then when that point comes, she has to be strong still.

I just found ourselves standing there thinking, "come on, one break, just let him have a break! Its about time, at least for a while, he doesn't deserve this!" We both said and thought this, to what I realized that we had bought into this age old lie of thinking that we deserve something! I know that sounds cold but from where does that line of thinking come?

After our conversation, as I sat and worked on patterns the thought arose in my pond like of a brian- "why does everyone always think things should be fair? Why is it thought of as this tragedy if something is not fair? Life is not fair! When has life been fair? When has nature or natural selections been fair? I demand to know, I deserve to know! ahh.....but we crave it so.

It is put inside us- I came to that conclusion I already assumed after I burst out in question to my classmates. We discussed it, and tried to wrap our minds around the idea- is it just culture? Is it the way we were raised? If we are evolved from chemicals then how did this part become innnate because we CAN NOT deny that it is innate to our human nature (Romans 1:20). I just don't see how it got there if we weren't designed like that and there wasn't never a way for that to be satisfied. Now that would be cruel. Because I crave satisfaction. I crave justice.

Funny God says that too. I think of Him yelling back at me saying "yes! I know! I want it to be fair, I want it to be just! I crave justice! I need blood! I will end this! I will. My name is Justice. My name is Goodness. My name is Righteousness. And my name is TRUTH (Ephesians chapter 5 verse 9). I do need blood to satisfy this unjustness but not yours. I don't want to give my Son but that is how much I love justice! Don't you understand? Look at me, don't you get it? Do you think I wanted to kill Him for you? Do you remember when He knelt in the garden as asked for the cup to pass if there was any way?! Don't you think I bit my lip? Don't you think the anger and frustration rose up in my heart?! Don't you think I saw this coming when Adam and Eve hid from me in the other garden and I asked "Who told you you were naked?"

I don't know the best prayer to pray. But I do have peace that the best option will happen and justice will be paid in time and evil and death will be done away with!

Have you ever watched the movie "Lady in the Water" by M. Night Shamalin? You should-- especially to get a more complete picture of this image that popped in my head as I sat in my car this evening after class. The Narf (the good lady) wants to get back to her world but certain creatures want to prohibit that and they are called Skrunt. They will kill her if they get a chance but there is another creature out there to uphold justice in this world. They are three but one called the Tartuagent and are "so evil that legend has it they killed their parents after they were born". They will attack a Skrunt if he steps out of line.

In the story, the Narf happens to be a very very special Narf and the Skrunt is rouge with rage and will risk killing himself to kill her. He attacks her multiple times in the movie leaving her just a inch from death. They other characters in the movie know about the Tartuagents and there is this one line after the Narf is injured- they ask, "where are the Tartuagents now? Where is justice?"

I guess I'm just all about quoting movies now.

Please Lord, I'm asking, if there is any way you can let this cup pass from him, please let it be. Not our will be down but yours Lord.

spacebar

2009-05-01T21:10:00.000-07:00

I just saw Karen DeRoss's latest blog entry about JB's message and that reminded me of this post that my sis Jazz sent to Tim the other day on Myspace.

"Apr 27, 2009 10:44 AM

hey,i'vehadalotofupsanddowns(andrightnowidon'thaveaspacebarbecausethekidshidit)butthiswasagoodmorning.williacuallygettoseeyouonwed?hopefully.
topdrawer!"

Those darn kids....The other thing that I found silly was that Xander's b-day is coming up and so Jazz found this recipe to make a brontisourus cake and asked him if he'd like that and he said he wanted a T-tops one. She said that she couldn't because she didn't know how to make the horns. As she told me that on the phone i could here him in the back saying "horns! horns! horns!"

Moving On

2009-05-01T21:00:00.001-07:00

I meant to enter a blog entry a while back, about 5 or 6 weeks ago. I felt like it was one of those moments of growing up, moving on and the like. Last quarter my first friend at the Art Institute and the Fillmore Housing graduated. Levon Pelt. Good friend, spiritual uplifter.

He gave a tour to me and my father when I visited school. I saw a Bible by his bed, we found out it was all of "our thing" (touch my heart). From that he plugged me into a temporaty church family that was so kind and caring, he was there for me around campus, around housing, and even at times of fits of rage in open aired parking lots when my room mate's car got broken into. I think seeing his face in that moment was the best form of relief I could of asked for. But didn't have to.

So now my animator friend moves on, and I'm glad, though I do feel that he entered the "work force" at a trying time. To see his table of work at the quarterly Portfolio Show that my school puts on (for the graduates to show to industry people and friends/family/faculty) was a moment indeed. Can't lie that a tear was hiding behind my eye ball. I got to meet his step mum, first time they've been out to San Fran. "I think we're going down to Fisher's Dwarf" .... Fisherman's Warf?

Soon after that, during the same week, I got news that my good friend was leaving the place that I work after 5 years of working there and almost 1 year of working with me. Greg Davis. Happy again for his moving on but sad to see him go. I found out in the car, and I don't remember why but that day was trying to begin with. A tear there. Good men. He had his two weeks and we'll always be friends but its always changing.

Though- its been a few weeks since those days and I'm doing quite well. Fond memories, but more to come!

Underneath Our Shielding Sheets

2009-05-01T20:56:00.001-07:00

After some consideration, acknowledging that I am not the first girl, or psychologist or theologian who has thought of this, but all the same- I really do believe that the majority of individuals out in the world (and groups for that matter) desire to be desired. If that was the case, wouldn't we all feel a little bit more complete?

Not even in a vain way, but a purpose way, a way that models portray, a wife, a designer. Thankfully we are desired. oh so much, but someone who cares unconditionally.

Oink?

2009-04-09T11:16:00.001-07:00

Yesterday- Want to know my highlight? I talked to my eldest sister Jessica on the cellular last night while I was sewing. She had previously told me about her two daughter's new stuffed animal. Aydan got a pink bear. She named it "snort" but not the name itself, rather the sound. *snort*!

This little girl hasn't been that creative in her pets names in the past, I believe she's named two, one was Jessica and the other Bear, or whatever animal it was.

Could you imagine her walking around the house calling out her pets name? *snort?* *snort?* *SNORT!*

Or worse having Jessica have to call him if they lost him in the store. oh man, that's great.

21st Blessings

2009-03-22T23:51:00.000-07:00

Can I just say. that obeying God is good.

Next topic; alcohol.

No, but seriously- I won't skip ahead.

To be vague as ever, I had to confront a friend on the night of my birthday, it was hard, it sucked, and I was scared to do it. But with many prayers and strength not of my own, I made the call.

Now my point here is that obviously I didn't have to, it would of been nicer not to, lets leave the details at that, but I did.

And I cried after that phone call, but it was like my Lord didn't want me to hold on to that woe. A moment or two after my release my friend calls and sings me happy birthday. Soon after that, still leaning on my rock, I am supposed to meet my husband and our friend Duncan down at Powell to get a drink for my 21st birthday.

What I expected aside, this was better than I could of hoped (how nice is it when that happens?)

We went to a bar called Bourbon and Branch located in the Tenderloin. It was an old speakeasy (and actual cigar shop from the 20's with a trap door bar below) and still requires an ever-changing password to get in. The bartenders all wear garb from the days, the fedoras, the vests, the flapper dresses and newsboy caps, while the doors in the building mainly consist of moving shelves and bookcases.

Duncan's older brother Sam is a bartender there at the main bar (easy to say- quite an accomplishment). We walked in, had the best seats in town saved for us, and embarked on a four hour journey. As with a fancy French restaurant, there was a pallet cleanser with something sparkling and tongue tingling. Next Sam, at my request of picking my drinks for me, make me a cucumber gimlet. They infuse the gin (or whatever featured alcohol) with cucumbers for two previous days. It was rather refreshing. Tim got something with absinthe and Duncan something with blackberry.

Throughout the night Sam let us sample different alcohol as we learned the history for them. We tried a bourbon that is made especially for them (the speakeasy), as well as some whiskey and I'm not sure what else. Next we got a lemony, pina, tequila drink, then some old fashioned cocktail (there was actually a drink called "cocktail" back in the day) and later something else grand.

Yes, we got somewhat tipsy, we downed the water the whole time, and even ordered a pizza. The point of the story, not to educate you on drinks, i'll leave that to Hazen, Sam and the others but rather to point out that God blessed us even on the occasion of my 21st birthday. Something I never expected, not out of the lack of faith I don't think but rather that it is kinda a funny thing to ask...

The bill we were racking up between the three of us was about $200. Then, before we knew it, it was past 12am which means our form of getting back to our car (BART) had stopped running. So we would have to take a cab back home- which the debate was that it would run about $40. Worse than that was the ticket we should of gotten for my car being parked in a parking lot that gets ticketed for anyone parked there from 2am-6am. hmmm...

Well Sam treated our whole tab (we tipped him of course), Duncan bought the pizza, Hazen (someother bartender who hung out with us) bought the cab (which was about $18), and Tim was good enough to drive us home from the parking lot, and at 2:30am we didn't have a ticket.

Obey, its too good not to.

Artificial Scare

2009-03-22T23:46:00.001-07:00

After gaining knowledge of the previous corn snake story, my friend Greg and Phoebe came over a few days past my birthday and we had a soap making party. Aside from that detail, they found a rubber corn snake the other day in a costume party type store and just couldn't resist. They had been at our house for a few hours before they slipped the joke in.

Greg put the snake on the floor of our bathroom (white floor mind you). We continue on our marry ways until I realized I need to stop in the restroom to get some aloe vera and to my left, out of the side of my eye I saw the snake. Leaving only enough time to realize it was a corn snake and it was bigger. I scampered/rushed out of the bathroom about 3 feet back into the living room after a shriek escaped my lips telling my comrades, apparently believeing they are in danger, that they have to come here and see.

Funny, they actually had somewhat forgotten about the fact the faux snake was placed there and were confused and gulliable at that moment but not for lost. Their sudden burst of uncontained laughter proved that this feat was to far fetched. I turned red, laughed, and shed some tears from the laughter and probably the startle.

Tim Compared to Autie

2009-03-09T00:41:00.001-07:00

My mother is almost convinced that my husband is a neat freak. In some degrees yes, cleaner than I (maybe not so organized, but he makes good piles). And I found the perfect example of this.... as we were eating our artichokes I pulled out my traditional technique of throwing the used leaves in a pile (I grew up using a sauce pan- "Oh, dad you missed again!"), but instead this time it was just on my plate. I didn't even realize the variety that was occurring at our table, until it was pointed out. Tim's== nice neat piles. Mine== not nice neat piles.

Slippery Visitor

2009-03-07T09:59:00.002-08:00

The other night was as normal night- stick a movie on, use the table to make patterns, use the laptop, really nothing special.

However- Tim was being very very sweet and making me dinner (orange marmalade chicken over half brown rice and white rice with asparagus!). As he was carefully preparing this, and of course putting our hot food on the plate, I ran out into our garage real fast to access my closet of fabrics.

I was rummaging through searching for the perfect cloth for my project... lets see, green velvet, navy velvet, white and brown striped cotton, orange stripe, white stretch knit, orange stripe?! Freaknab my head and hands were less than a few inches away from what happened to be a healthy snake visiting my closet.

Of course my heart was up in my throat and I ran into the kitchen telling Tim he has to come fast, FAST! It was a snake, about 7/8" diameter (at his biggest part) and a good length. He froze maybe in terror, or self camouflage as we debated what to do.

We knocked on our neighbor's door, no answer. I called my dad, and looked for tools, all the while checking to make sure he didn't travel back into his new home of my fabrics. What we ended up doing was wearing a kitchen mit on my right hand while holding some sort of long stick thing as Tim held a bucket and an empty paint roller in one hand (just in case things got out of control with my object). With the blue bucket tilted toward the snake, I flew the snake into the bucket with the tool. Away we went with a plate over top, out the door, past my neighbor ("um, did you loose a snake?"), and to the hill of grass where we released our enemy/friend named Blinky.

After researching I believe he is a Corn Snake, they are pretty docile in nature (though we made him mad by throwing him in a bucket), usually don't bite, each rats by constricting. They are native to the south-eastern and central parts of the USA and can get to 4-6 ft. long. Obviously this one was still young, and probably someone's pet. Oops, sorry.

Later I did in fact find out that our neighbor's daughter used to have a corn snake several years back, it was about 10 inches then, and about 18+ inches now. I was informed that corn snakes sell for a pretty penny. Anyways, I guess her name was Sandy. Oh my.

Secret Trip

2009-03-07T09:59:00.001-08:00

Since around December I knew that my oldest sister, Jessica, was going to be part of this all girls (jr. high and high school) "True Beauty" retreat put on by many people from the First Baptist church and other ministries in Mount Shasta. This was going to happen in February and she expressed how wonderful it would be if I could come.

Knowing the fact that weekends are my only income and its hard to get those off, and more so to afford to get them off, I didn't think it could happen. She knew that.

Well, for some over powering reason unknown to me, I thought, (a week before the event) "I should go and surprise my sister this next weekend at the retreat." I made some plans with my parents, and with my co-workers and Friday at 3:30 I was in my car on the way to Mount Shasta.

That night the 80 girls plus leaders that were there were having somewhat of a "prom night." I dressed up at the Spirit gas station in my black pleated dress and roman high heels with my feeble knees shaking out of excitement and anticipation.

I walked into the church and in the sanctuary where the girls were facing the stage trying to worship God. After scanning the group for the one person who made this trip worthwhile I found her, in the center right back row wearing a pink satin dress with black floral print.

Moment of truth. I don't know why I was nervous. Maybe it was the redeye at starbucks I had in Anderson.... sidetrack.

I walked up to the right of her and just stood there for a second facing the direction they all were. She glanced at me lightly, then did the typical double take. We embraced not letting go for quite a while. She started crying and of course, how could my eyes not well up?

The rest of the weekend was good, we spent the night together amidst these girls on an air mattress then got in trouble for talking past bed time. Hello, we're sisters?!

The next day she had the fruit bearing event that made the event so prosperous. The girls split off into different workshops, Jessye was in charge of one about secrets.

I attended this workshop, along with a packed room. Many things were said, many thoughts were opened and the fruit from what was spoken at that time is still blooming.

I am, but was so strongly at that moment proud to call Jessye my sister. I felt like a robin that whole weekend with my big red puffy chest out there with the words on it declaring that fact gladly.

The trip was great overall, I enjoyed my time with my parents, the photoshoots (more to come later), the hot tub, the home cookin, the booty shaking Ayden, the bible study, the comedy central at the Scotts, and coffee connection with the other Mrs. Scott and before I knew it I was leaving.

The afternoon before I did however revealed a story that I did not see coming in my near sighted vision. This was the sound to my silent film.

We were at Jessye's, that is mum, Jessye and I (as well as her cute family), drinking more coffee and munching over discussing the retreat. Jessye started talking about the girls and what was said, and what's going on, etc. We talked about the other leaders and some of the inevitable drama that happens when the spirit moves, and the like. Soon she got to a point where she was recapping the beginning of the event, even the week ahead.

There was defiantly spiritual opposition that she was struggling with the week before. The day of, she felt out of place, she felt she didn't want to be there, she didn't belong there at all! They had dinner before the dancing and worshiping and each leader had a table of about 8 girls. Conversations weren't flowing, and no one seemed to want her around. Jessye knew she couldn't just flee, even though it consumed her thoughts, she had to contain her feet. She figured, "oh, well, I could sit at the back of the church" realizing how different it felt to be the one "outside" the group. Was she too old? Is this not her ministry? Is there anyone to hang out with her?

Then, a slight pivot to the right and I was there. Someone to be with her, someone to support her and make her feel like that was her place, this is where she is to be. And all those feelings of running were gone.

I didn't see that one coming but praise God for His amazing orchestra. Play on.

The Fat Lady, buddy

2009-03-04T00:08:00.000-08:00

Recently I finished the book I previous discussed called "Franny & Zooey." It was at the perfect time in my life I'd say. I included the crux that happens at the very end of this book, but let me explain its pertinence. I have been struggling finding meaning in what I do. I have also been struggling with knowing God deeper, knowing his "power" and not just being in the routine of reading my Bible and praying (Though I do not want to under emphasize those either). So here's my application. Do what I do, make the clothes I made, draw the things I do, photograph the ways I want but don't do it for the media, or for my resume, or for "beauty" in itself, rather do it for Christ. Afterall that matters right?

"I remember about the fifth time I ever went on 'Wise Child.' I subbed for Walt a few times when he was in a cast- remember when he was in the cast? Anyway, I started bitching one night before the broadcast. Seymour'd told me to shine my shoes just as I was going out the door with Waker. I was furious. The studio audience were all morons, the announcer was a moron, the sponsors were morons, and I just damn well wasn't going to shine my shoes for them. I told Seymour. I said they couldn't see them anyway, where we sat. He said to shine them anyway. He said to shine them for the Fat Lady. I didn't know what the hell he was talking about, but he had a very Seymour look on his face, and so I did it. He never did tell me who the fat lady was, but I shined my shoes for the Fat lady every time I ever went on the air again"

At this, it was evident that Franny had had some sort of connecting to what her brother Zooey had to say as she sat upright listening. She expressed that she had the same image of this Fat Lady, for Seymour had told her about this "Fat Lady" as well.

After that, Zooey says, "All right. Let me tell you something now buddy... Are you listening?" Franny, looking extremely tense, nodded.

"I don't care where an actor acts [remember she had quit the theater life]. It can be in summer stock [the play Franny was in before], it can be over the radio, it can be over television, it can be in a goddam Broadway theater, complete with the most fashionable, most well-fed, most sunburned-looking audience you can imagine. But I'll tell you a terrible secret- Are you listening to me? There isn't any one out there who isn't Seymour's Fat Lady. That includes your Professor Tupper, buddy. And all his goddam cousins by the dozens. There isn't anyone anywhere that isn't Seymour's Fat Lady. Don't you know that? Don't you know that goddam secret yet? And don't you know- listen to me now- don't know you who that Fat lady really is?... Ah, buddy. Ah, buddy. It's Christ Himself. Christ Himself, buddy."

Absolute Nobody

2009-02-06T09:39:00.001-08:00

Referred to me by a friend, I've been reading the book called "Franny & Zooey" by J.D. Salinger (who also wrote "Catcher in the Rye" his career totaling 4 books by his own will) about a brother and a sister, that plainly put.

There is this one part in it however that has just got my mind turning. Let me expand. Franny is on a date with her boyfriend and they start discussing how she quit the theater life, here's what she has to say- "I just quit, that's all. It started embarrassing me. I began to feel like such a nasty little egomaniac." she reflected. "I don't know. It seemed like such poor taste, sort of, to want to act in the first place. I mean all the ego. And I used to hate myself so, when I was in a play, to be backstage after the play was over. All those egos running around feeling terribly charitable and warm. Kissing everybody and wearing their makeup all over the place, and then trying to be horribly natural and friendly when your friends came backstage to see you. I just hated myself..."

Two pages later her boyfriend, trying to analyze this in his ivy hall school of a way, asks if she's afraid to compete to which her response goes, "I'm not afraid to compete. Its just the opposite. Don't you see that? I'm afraid I will compete- that's what scares me. That's why I quit the Theatre Department. Just because I'm so horribly conditioned to accept everybody else's values, and just because I like applause and people to rave about me, doesn't make it right. I'm ashamed of it. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of not having enough courage to be an absolute nobody."

That does take a lot of courage. Could I be ok with that?

Odd Little Happenings

2009-02-02T19:30:00.000-08:00

Here's collage of events, all small.

#1- Have you ever started to fall asleep then jump start/scare yourself awake? Usually its like a dream that you tripped on some stairs, or the porch below you broke, or something along those lines (cause really that darn porch breaks under you all the time right? yeah). Well I did that but my hand was really close to my head, resting on my pillow with me, and when I jumped awake my hand did this twirl movement that ended up scratching my forehead. And now I have a scratch there.

#2- 6:30 am. I was having some dream, and was alot closer to the edge of my bed then I expected and flaled (spelling?) yet again this time, with I believe my same arm, knocked my cup of water off my nightstand by my bed, thus waking me up to a wet mess down on the floor where electrical chords are and my beloved bible. Luckily our place is so small that Tim was able to reach about a foot into our kitchen to grab a towel. Watch out for the limbs.

#3- Totally different then the previous two, but I just have to prove that aliens exist other places then the middle of Mount Shasta. I was about to get on the freeway here in San Francisco on my way home from work and I am in the lane right next to this car that obviously must have been an old cop car. Black sides, white roof, side lights, etc. I assumed it was some special Highway Patrol, dog patrol, or something. So I read on the back bumper what it was, somewhat subconscieouly and it said "UFO Siteing Squad" in white. My eyebrows furrow... then I pull up next to them at the stop light, look to my left and the person in the passenger seat is decked out like an alien. His mask was the typical with bug eyes, big forehead and small mouth. Yet it had this comical composition about it that was kind of exasperated look. Of course I laughed and his face didn't change, silly of me to somehow assume the mask would, but that was that.

Alarmingly Loud

2009-01-25T22:55:00.001-08:00

Gregory and I were working today at the shop. We close early on Sundays, so we packed it up when the clock turned six p.m.- I with bag in hand, Greg with his friend Mike ready to start the nightlife after closing.

Register tilled. Hours cataloged. Lights off. Alarm set. Door shut.

The door has two locks, the bottom, which actually is broken due to the lack of a handle pretty much but can be opened with a key; and the top lock. Well I guess without us realizing it, the first lock hadn't "clicked" shut as we assumed. So Greg shuts the door, fidgets with his keys, gets the right one, goes to stick it in the top lock with his one good arm (his other is in a sling with a cast up to his bicep) but instead of the key entering the hole, like a good little key, it moves with the door as the door swings open.

Startled eyes dart back at Mike and I as we are waiting and semi-watching behind him. "the door just opened" said Greg. Quickly he pulls it back and latched it hoping that he didn't trigger the alarm. Air is silent. He locks the top- its secure. Eyes are still darting as we wonder. Mike asks "is it a silent alarm?" As if there wasn't a better time for that punch line to enter the existence of that small entry way, that was it. A split second after that quotable line the bells and whistles start to scream and I chime in, a quick jump, and scream (I think my arms came up and down as I jumped slightly) out of my vocals chords. We had set off the alarm.

Tom told me it would happen, I believe Greg has done it before, but yikes, don't do that again.

Hello Vegas

2009-01-17T19:58:00.000-08:00

Real quick before I go work on some homeowork, check this video out of these two guys on their longboard called the Dancer. The music composition with the tricky moves is great.

Parents Visit

2009-01-16T21:38:00.000-08:00

Out of a smart remark about how my father should be my mailman and visit it actually happened last weekend! I commend my young parents for actually doing something that is so easily tossed into the air. Came and came they did. Oh what a joy!

I got to see them Saturday after work in Marin, which I was craving to visit. We went to Marin Brewery, where I talked my dad's ear off and my voice out as Tim and mum visited, they talk very easily as well. From that we ventured for dessert (and of course coffee!) in San Raphael (which brought back memories of my times with Katrina Simkins) to Aroma cafe.

Tim and I spent the night at my grandma's condo with them, gladly escaping the poison from our recent flea invasion, and then I worked on Sunday. So Tim brought me to work, but we were a little early, so we walked down to Blue Bottle coffee and felt hip (despite the fact that we misplaced our iphones!).

I worked for a while til my break when my folks met me in Hayes Valley. Tom, my co-worker and I stood outside Nomads watching the couples as he tried to guess which parents were mine. His remark when they did show up across the street was immediately, "They're young!"

It was funny to have the classic feeling of "meet the parents". They enjoyed everything, which of course made me feel special (what are parents for?) and like everywhere i went was special as pictures were snapped and questions were answered.

I showed them a few spots, including the peace sign in the park (which dad of course had to check the stability of it), the cool wall, the coffee shop, the chocolate shop, and got some grub.

That night we met up for wine and snackers at Tom and Jacks then had a easy dinner at Tim and my place. Our dessert was pretty much silly videos on the internet.

Refreshed the next morning the boys set up our new BBQ (given by the uncles) in the back yard as we avoided the flea studded cat, poor Jimi.

Dad went golfing as we did a photoshoot (see post below, and those also at www.thesemantics.blogspot.com) which was thrillingly fun for Mum, Tim (the sun), and I. As well as benificial for the portfolio.

We ended in Glen Park (the four of us reunited) at the Country's Market with individual lunches which was the second time my parents said it felt they they were in Europe (the other was that picture of me looking back as I'm walking). I believe that was a highlight for my father, and was a great note to end on for all of us. I was sad to see them leave, as hugs and shutting of doors is the hardest part for me and my tear ducts. God, thank you that my mother and I each have amazing men to be with as we part.

Good weekend I'll say.

Jump for Glee!

2009-01-16T20:52:00.001-08:00

Christmas 2008

2009-01-01T22:25:00.000-08:00

Here we are, enjoying our Christmas time in Mount Shasta with family, especially Xander. Its actually quite tricky to take "myspace" type photos with a big'ol Canon with a big' ol lens.

A Small Ab Workout

2008-12-08T20:18:00.001-08:00

This is a video my husband and I have watched over and over laughing our heads off. You have to watch all the way to the end, despite how painful it can be.

This one is good too

Sounds Move Me

2008-12-01T12:50:00.000-08:00

Since I treat this blog similar to an open book journal, here's what's been playing in my house. One is a group my boss turned me on to called Little Joy. He said they'll be playing in shasta in 10 years. The other is this band my husband showed me, kinda creepy video, but good beat, I love the way they put the music to the movements. Again, influenced by movement. Enjoy

"Unattainable" by Little Joy

"Huvedet I Sanden" by Familjen

Bars & Tips

2008-11-29T22:44:00.000-08:00

Something that has always intrigued me is the names of tip jars and bars. Tip jars, mainly in cafe's have the most interesting puns. I have seen two alike, but I've seen many that aren't. It would be a neat idea to collect images of various tip jars.
The other is bar names. There are some very interesting ones, how do they pick them? Stud Bar, Bar Baminos, Fluid Bar, Amnesia Bar, Lush Piano Bar, Bliss Bar, Dragon Bar, Cigar Bar, Bar None,

Wonders of Google

2008-11-29T20:17:00.000-08:00

I was curious the today what would come up if I typed my dad's name in on google, I found a lot of confusing basketball stats about my grandpa and this picture. Neato huh?

What a Day

2008-11-17T18:41:00.000-08:00

Today was not how it was suppsosed to be (according to me at least...). Woke up late, got a late start, had to go to the East Bay to have Tim's car oil changed. He was planning on heading to Monteray soon after that to see his buddy August for a few days. We assumed this appointment would be about a half hour- um no, 2 hours. And to find out that Tim needs 4 new tires immediatly. Then we decided to test drive a car that Connie might get, important, but just bad timeing.
So afater that we went to change my cell phone to be on the same plan as Tim and his family. That was also supposed to be a short excursion. All of a sudden it got busy in there, with some man yelling on his phone, to another man who I swear was on speed or something who was mean to his wife, disrespectful to everyone in the store and just a noise polluter.
I had to get the password, I had to get the account number, my phone numbers won't transfer, the rebate won't print, the phone won't activate, we leave 45 minutes later.
We go to get on the freeway, about 3 hours behind schedule- I'm worried about homework, Tim's worried about traffic. We can't get on the on ramp due to traffic so we try another- oh, there is a detour because the ramp is closed! Luckily there wasn't much traffic and we made good time home. Downer though- on the way back I got a phone call from the Fashion Group of San Francisco (on my old phone mind you). I worked hard to apply for this annual scholarship with them. I really thought I had a good chance, it was put together well. Last week the finalists were to be notified and I get a call now. The sweet and sorrowful women regrettfully informed me that the mail had lost my application and its documents in the mail since Oct. 21st to today. boo. Too late, they already picked a winner.

Its not that any of those situations were that upsetting, we're just under alot of stress right now with funds, and homework. There were two things that were good. One, I got new shoes. Roman heels, great. Secondly, there was this crazy batch of birds hovering over our cars at one point when we were at a stop light. They were just wizzing around, flapping, making funny movements, and only in this one spot. At first I thought "why are they doing that?" then I just assumed it was to make all the rush hour traffic people smile. It did.

2008-11-10T16:29:00.000-08:00

Week #5

2008-11-07T09:27:00.002-08:00

Q: Choose two career mentors. What about these mentors do you want to emulate? How did they get where they are? What was their path?

A: Can I have three?
I respect different aspects of different careers and the people that lead them.
1) Colleen Quen- Of course I look up to her. I love that she has this freedom in her work, this close-knit way of designing and creating all under the same roof (with her husband mind you!). I emulate those things and just that freedom of creativity, how that can involve traveling to another country and then building designs off of that influence. She grew up in Alameda county, worked for Gap as a patternmaker for 8 years or so, while learning French couture, and then started her business about 10 years ago.

2) Jack Lynch- My uncle who owns his own pearl business here in San Francisco. He grew up in the east coast with a hard childhood. Now I consider him very financially stable, but that wasn't always the case. I love that he embarked on something that was so hard for his family, as well as respecting his mum who was a GM worker. He was robbed a few years into the business of so much hard earned money but has pushed through that, and came out stronger. I emulate the reward and independent confidence that he possesses through his business.

3) Pete Wagner- He's my "uncle" who lives in Weed California and owns his own plumbing business. Totally different than my career, but totally respectful. He's been doing plumbing ever since I've known him, so I'm not really sure what his path to get there was. I emulate his faith in how God will provide. His work is very day to day based, and could be very stressful. Yet this man operates his business as a ministry to God, openly sharing that, creating great relationships and an amazing reputation that I have respected him for. Yet its not ever about the money, just the provision and the testimony to how God watches out for his family.

All three of these people are very passionate and above all generous with their time ad knowledge.

Week #4

2008-11-07T09:27:00.001-08:00

Q: Why should I pursue my career choice? What resources and supports are available to me?

A: That is a good question. I think people should address that more often, hang a mission statement on their wall...
It is important to do what motivates you. Since we live in an area where we can choose, I'll choose. I want to pursue fashion design because I love to create, and more specifically with fabric as my medium. I don't know why I do, I'm sure there is some master plan there.
I want to do something that is creative, and available for others to enjoy. I love making things beautiful just in general, I realize that is a huge part of my life whether at work (at the boutique), my internship, cleaning my house, drawing, etc.

I've struggled with this career choice alot in the past because not only is it really competitive, but also rather materialistic. I want to do something that matters more for eternity, but all other fields don't fit me. Yet this choice God has showed me that He wants me to pursue this desire He has put i my heart, has been affirmed that over and over again.

At school I have so many resources and supports available to me, and waiting for me to expand on. That could be in the form of a volunteer position, my internships, my work, my contacts (all that i've gotten through starting at this school). I have resources and supports in other ways through my family, my husband, and my God. More specific.... Opportunities to be a dresser at a fashion show, to have my designs sold, or showed in shows, to have a web site created through other students for my future business, contacts to get my job, books in the library to create window displays, sewing machines to create garments, teachers to ask how to hone my skills, like illustration or patternmaking, support through my uncles financially and emotionally, strength and passion through my Lord to live ethically and benefit others. The list goes on... It really is only limited by my limited reach.

Week #3

2008-10-30T21:50:00.001-07:00

Q: What is my ideal career look like? What type of projects, environment, and people do I want to work with?

A: My ideal career would be filled with great challenges and experiences along my path of learning to get to that "ideal" point (in which when I get there I will probably think the journey was the better part). At this point in time, wow, lets see, are we talking realistically? I'll strike a balance. I want to own and operate my own business of women's wear, starting off probably in a partnership. I will be the creative director, with help from the marketing side and business matters. Once established I want to sell those creations across the country, sharing them with a variety of people. I would like to branch off internationally, living and working in another country. I also want to open my own retail store- thus being able to have greater say on the visual design and image of my creations.
With this as my bread and butter, I also want to have dessert. This would be more of my fine art side. Those crazy concepts I have that cannot possibly be worn anywhere but runway or photoraphy (or art gallery). These I want to have greater meaning, teaching people about truths, mainly about lessons and perspectives that my savior Jesus Christ has shown me.
I also want to be able to use the talents and assets I have and will have to benifit others. Whether that's the classic- children in starving countries- or young women struggling with sexual struggles, families struggling to pay bills, eat, etc. We'll see. I hope that this can also involve music and literature with my husband in a non-profit organisation that is in baby stages at the moment.
The people I want to work with are others that appreciate art, and what I do, but who don't do what I do. I feed off of other's gifts and dreams and hence want to be surrounded by people who think differently, but care similarly. I would like my environment to change, in the city, out of the city, in other countries, in my home, in my office etc.
So that's it, I'd love to add shoe design and made to measure stuff in there as well, but we'll see! As long as my perspective is from a heavenly viewpoint, whatever I do will be so great.

Week #2

2008-10-19T21:16:00.001-07:00

Q: "What are the connections between passion and work? What are you passionate about?"

A: This question is very pivotal in our lives, isn't it? After learning about Holland's hexagon I can see better how this relates to what we do and if we enjoy it. As most of us attending college for a career, we are attending to be able to enter an area of the workforce that we believe we will enjoy (or at least not dread). More so with us dreamy art-students.

Fashion has been something I spend my spare time in. This "hobby" has grown into a college major, and a career now and in the future. It is my artform, and one of my muses in one. I'm passionate about the fact that I can do this. Period. Man, talk about blessed. I am passionate about work when it is what I create. That is the connection, being able to live off of the endless designs circling in my head and the beauty of creating these ideas. So work inspires itself.

As far as other things I'm passionate about, I'd say I am passionate about my Lord God, Jesus Christ. The reason I breath. That inspires my art and my purpose in life. Secondly, I am inspired by my husband and his creative heart in music and literature. Lastly, human kind and its trageties as gothic as that sounds, I don't mean it that way. I am intrigued by humans and their personalites, and reactions. Sin breaks my heart, holiness relieves it, and this cycle provides many thoughts that I hope to express one day deeper in my art.

Week #1

2008-10-19T21:13:00.001-07:00

In my career develpment class I have been assigned to journal entries each week that are based off of a question my teacher, Fahmida D'Souza poses. I will post them for you as well. So week #1 here we are...

Q: "The first thing I remember wanting to "be when I grew up" was _____? Are there any pieces of that are still with me now?"

A: When I was around 5th grade, I wanted to be a semi-truck driver. I was into big cars around that time, I loved watching Monster Truck rallys and my dad and mum both had bigger cars (everything seems big at that age).

After that, probably 7th grade, I wanted to be a jazz singer. I knew I never wanted to do that full time, because as I assure you now, I am not the most musically talented. Within that dream, for some odd reason (maybe I watched alot of the Little Mermaid then), I wanted to dye my hair red and have green eyes (I have blue). That might of been a sign of adulthood since I wasn't allowed to color my hair until I was 16.

After that, Pretty much from 8th grade on, I wanted to be a fashion designer. I look back at the traits I had even before I knew that job existed and see that I wanted it. I played with Beanie Babies when I was little and had a fabric/clothes shop where I made custom clothes for my animals. Then after that I experienced alot of drawing, including shoes, and faces. Then after that I couldn't find pants that fit me right (long legs, skinny hips) so I started making it from an altered pattern. And here I am. Doing my dream.

I think that all of these things show aspects of me that I enjoy. I love driving (to an extent of course), and traveling. I love and am inspired by music and my husband who is studying to be a sound engineer and plays music. Yet I still want to be a jazz singer (like Melody Gardot) part time in the future but I have no idea how that can happen. And lastly, I get to pursue my dream of designing clothes as my main career. I'd say they'd all be written up in the luxury/style section of the newspaper.

Catch 22

2008-10-13T22:34:00.000-07:00

We've all had catch twenty-two's in our lives. Some can be good, some not so I suppose- as half the things in the world go (do I need to take statistics class?).

I had one of those today, not the peachy kind. I mean, this would be such a minimal event in so many other people's lives, but it made my heart sad a little.

I've been working at Colleen Quen's atelier every Monday for the past 3 weeks. Its great, I'm learning alot, its good for my career and growth. The seamstress there is named Tessa, sweet lady from the Philippines, I love her. Honest.

In a story of how my husband and I met, she asked me if I was catholic (I mentioned church) to which I replied "No, I'm Christian." Her cute reply, "me too." I was so happy. I was thinking earlier what she believed with such a differnt cultural background than I.

That made me happy, I was asking her a few questions about that, her telling me that her relatives are pastors etc. Long pause. After that, "Colleen is too."

I suppose this is the incomplete part of the story, but she's not. If anyone reading this knows my God, and her, its a fact she's not. I felt that that last comment destroyed the fact that Tessa believed correctly. I'm sure God will reveal that to me in the future, but I sure hope to see her where I'm going after this death.

Explode my Mind

2008-10-04T21:30:00.000-07:00

Excuse me, I'm just going to say this. It could be very comforting to some, and not to others, I suppose.
If all of the nuclear power known to mankind on this earth were to go off at the same moment, it would not emit more energy than the sun does in less than 4 seconds. All God has to do it loosen His grip on the sun and that would be it.
There are some pretty freaky big issues out there to think about right now. Whether that be the political race or divorce- its in good hands and yet we still have free will. How mind blowing is that..

Lame Roller Coaster

2008-10-04T20:01:00.000-07:00

If you were on the roller coaster today that sucked. Join the club. I mean that sarcastically of course.

My day wasn't all bad; but I can think of a few that also had roller coaster type day today. I got a call today about a suicidal adventure someone desired to embark on, which led me to complete dismay, and the unknown thought of whether Tim and I should travel to be there physically for support. That put a huge strain on me. I was debating on if I should ask my boss yet, or what, maybe just test the waters.

I got to work, a few minutes late due to full parking spaces which wasn't a big deal with my boss. However, when I did arrive in the door I got in a way yelled at (in my boss's type of way) about job related stuff which was partially true, partially taken out of context, and particularly harsh. Then, my other co-worker came in and rubbed in all in. Mind you- I had just bawled my little eyes out before arriving to work. So I already had warmed up tear ducs and an exposed heart. Oh, it was so discouraging. Now things are alot better.

However, again, my day wasn't the only one like that- the suicidal one went from that to the extreme opposite (yet I fear it won't last), my sister (middle one) went from I don't even know, nothing to 4 somethings, and then my other sister (oldest) went from Mt. Shasta to Weed with completely different circumstances, and has been crying ever since probably. I don't know why I'm talking about this, well. I do complain alot.

After all, who ever said roller coasters are fun?! Darn you, magic mountain.

Tribute to Keetna

2008-10-02T09:31:00.000-07:00

Keetna, my dear doggie friend, is experiencing complete freedom today.
I used to dog sit with him and Roma his buddy. He's just old though, and in pain. It is time. It breaks my heart, and breaks it even more to hear my dear friend Casey choke up. God, I miss her. Well on a good note, I say this dog is amazing. Always seems to be smiling, being content, and being a good friend.

Words Don't Utter

2008-10-02T09:27:00.001-07:00

I don't really feel words flowing right now, so I don't know why I'm writing, yet I am. Words haven't really been easy to come by the past few days. No. And I think that's okay. Silence speaks wonders at times.
Two things to mention here, while still being some what vague out of protection-
1) Its a relief in a sad sense, to know what it was that I was anticipating to happen. I'm not sure if you read a few weeks ago a blog I posted about something disastrous coming. It has, yet thank you God that everyone is still alive.
2) Its strange when words are spoken that you never ever associated, or even thought would be spoken about YOUR family.

Attacked for Love

2008-09-22T11:10:00.001-07:00

Maybe I've had too much coffee just now, or too much crap, but I'm a little perturbed.

The other day my mum said "it is hard for a young person to be married today in our society, i'm sorry its so hard for you." and I thought, "well, yeah, but its not that hard really." It was harder when I was engaged, because the fate was unwritten and people still had a chance to say their piece. Yet, can I take that thought back?

I wonder when the change of thought happened. I read "The God who is There" by Francis Schaeffer a while back, and he explained the "Line of Despair" which is a time in art where thought drastically changed. Where is that for love and marriage? I'm sure its different in different cultures, and maybe being in San Francisco, changes that.

Yet here's my complaint. What is it with "educated people" thinking that their way is better than everyone elses? Okay, that is a hasty generalization, and I do realize that not everyone thinks that. Yet, darn psychologists, "if you're under 25, and havn't hit those 2 other stages of your life, DON'T GET MARRIED". I've been told that by two people who don't know me at all. Are they married, no. Like I'm anyone to talk hardly, its only been a month and a half.

Yet I don't really feel like I'm married per-say. Its just life made to work better. I am still doing what I love which is sewing, creating, spending time with God, learning, reading, walking, talking, drinking coffee, yet freak, I get to do it with this great companion who is there for me and now when we kiss we can glorify God. What's wrong with that?

Can I clear up the fact that it was never on my "check list" of things to do (get married that is). I tried to avoid it until I got rid of my mistaken issues with it.

Marriage is sweet at core, can be wrong, should be sweet, should be holy, like how God wants it to represent. It breaks my heart that so many people are so scared by the things which should be so so good. I think of Rachel who hates marriage and church because of what has happened to her. She's not alone.

Okay, thanks for letting me vent.

Lastly, marriage does not change you for worse, it does not hinder your dreams, it does not make you boring, it does not take away your identity, it doesn't not mean that you can't call your friends in Texas, yet It CAN, but that's not right then.

Announcement !

2008-09-21T22:23:00.001-07:00

To clear this thought out of the way- I don't know why I do this, I don't have time, you are correct in your thinking but I have by golley!

Now the news- I've made another blog. Its a unique one with a very direct purpose. Its called the "Story Catcher" and is based on the idea that people have great stories and they should be told more than a few times by those individuals. So I will take the honor to enjoy them and hopefully break a smile, or awe on your lovely face.

You can access is by going to my profile and then clicking on "Story Catcher" blog or go directly to the link at www.storycatch.blogspot.com. Thanks for your clicks and reads.

I Don't Want to Trip, please

2008-09-16T16:19:00.000-07:00

It feels like I've been waiting for a disaster to happen. What is with that? There is no fun in that, as I roll my eyes.

I feel like I'm expecting to get a phone call one of these near days to hear some horrible news. How come? Is it because I've only had about 2 phone calls like that in my whole life. Maybe things have been going to spiffy (praise Jesus) and so I feel like its about due... That's silly. Things happen. God rains on the righteous and the sinful though... sometimes I assume I'm both. Now I'm just rambling.

But this feeling, this expectation, is weird. I've never experienced it before. Its like I can feel it coming, possibly just with some scary close calls that have happened semi-recently. Or maybe its just in my imaginative head.

I've talked to my mother about this, that women grieve differently. Whether that chance is happy, or sad, chance never the less. They do it in advance, where as men often wait until the event happens, then walk through the effects of that change during and after. Yes, we woman do all, but I believe that we start the process sooner. Am I doing that without knowing it?

Well, I shouldn't sit here thinking what it could be, or turning every corner with that in mind (not literally) yet I mentally picture it this way. Would you rather be running or skipping at full caliber and then trip so bad you smash on your face, or would you rather walk your steps expecting the fall? Hmmm, I don't know.

Don't worry, I'm not down or anything, I'm just trying to figure this out and thinking maybe typing will help. Thank you for listening. I'll live cup half full, because praise God it is! My gosh it is, like I said before, things are great. Really great. And whether they stay that way or not, heaven is going to be rad.

Hayes Valley Street Crimes

2008-09-10T07:47:00.000-07:00

Despite the fact that this title sounds like a video game, I've stumbled upon some very interesting stories concerning the neighborhood of Hayes Valley. I don't know details, and I haven't interviewed any one but Jon at Gimmie Shoes and Greg's opinion. There have been some funky happenings over the past few years or so.
-Shopplifters today (not in our store), they were a few teenagers, I believe they went into Dish (a woman's clothing store across the street) and threw a hanger at the employee working because she wouldn't let them shoplift.
-At Lava 9 (a leather store 3 doors down from us), someone came in there to rob the store of its cash, well they didn't really have any, so in his debate, he decided to take a bright blue leather double breasted jacket and run. Ya think he was easy to find?
-The other day a guy pulled up by Nabilas (a little grocery store) across the street from Nomads, and ran in, claiming to have been shot at. They called the cops, who arrived in a hoo-raw to check out the scene. Turns out he had a bike in his back seat and the tire popped due to the heat, hence, thinking someone was aiming bullets at him.
-A few months ago La Boulange on the corner- which is always the happening spot with quite a few employees on staff with all different accents- got robbed. It happened while the bosses were away for the weekend, then during the night, about 20 grand was lifted. They apparently left one of the high windows cracked, and then since they didn't have an alarm system until recently, wheeled the safe out the door (though, it must have taken about 6 guys). No one saw, must have been an inside job.
-Nomads have had problems with old employees taking watches and headphones which add up to at least 3 grand.
-There was once a big Oakland road chase that ended up finishing at the 4 way stop at Hayes and Octavia. Nothing like that commotion to break up a calm afternoon.
-On top of that, Greg (my co-worker) has been threated by jean/no shoe man and basically Dish and Lavish just have bad luck.
How will this saga continue??